When Ainsley was younger, I suppose I was more naive and optimistic about my powers as a parent. Now that she’s nearing nine, I have the benefit of getting used to the idea of my own powerlessness.
Of course, I have a great deal of influence in her life and over activities she participates in, media she’s exposed to, that sort of thing.
But, there is a great deal about her self and her life that I am ultimately powerless over. It’s like when your baby is born and you’d always intended to have a blond baby and out she comes sporting bold black or red hair. For some reason, you weren’t expecting it and don’t really know how to respond.
I find in myself, and in conversations with other mothers online and off, that a lot of what we hold to be true as mothers is framed in our own personal experience as girls.
For instance, I got my period when I was 12, had to beg for a bra so I wouldn’t be the only 7th grader in the locker room without one. That was also the year I began shaving my legs, wearing make-up, pierced my ears, curled my hair and was devastated because I wasn’t allowed Liz Claiborne perfume and a Guess watch. Being 12 was HUGE in my own personal coming-of-age experience.
Yet, a generation later, girls mature faster. Lots of things go faster, change faster, develop faster. Cursive may, in fact, be obsolete as my 8-year-old just bought her own pink 7″ mini computer money she’s saved.
Puberty is happening faster in white girls by several years. As a mother, it has taken some getting used to that idea. We don’t know why. Scientists, doctors, researchers don’t know why. I’ve researched and reported on it a lot on The Girl Revolution, mainly in an attempt to understand how to prevent this from happening to MY child. Yet, all the sudden – as I come face to face with the reality, some things don’t seem to be relevant anymore.
What happened when we were girls – personally or collectively – is irrelevant.
As a group, generally girls want to stay inside the norm. If the norm changes, but you keep up with it, you’ll probably make out okay. So, if you’re the ONLY kid in your class who doesn’t develop a few years earlier this generation that is probably the occurrence that will be emotionally and socially damaging. To develop earlier than your mother, but at the same rate as the other kids in your age-range, will be the most comforting pace for most girls. Why should SHE care when YOU got boobs?
I wasn’t allowed to have a phone in my room. There was altogether too much privacy in that idea. Yet, I’m probably going to give Ainsley a cell line within the next several months. It makes sense TODAY.
Frankly, I didn’t expect this yet. But, I have yet to make any headway in stopping it, holding it off or reversing it. Some things, I’ve accepted, are beyond my control. One can eradicate BPAs from the home, eliminate hormones in milk, reduce exposure to media, visit physicians, and pray a lot and still, one must surrender to the fact that parents don’t control their children’s physical development.
It really is irrelevant that I didn’t need a bra till I was 12, that I didn’t start my period until after 6th grade, that I didn’t use deodorant or shave my legs until 7th grade. It really doesn’t make any difference to HER experience. I’m positive my parents made these decisions based on the culture we lived in – a predominantly Mormon one, in which this was also the timing of most of the other kids.
What matters in her experience is what other kids are doing now, what is safe and healthy, what she’s emotionally ready for, what the desires of her heart are and what is currently socially acceptable today.
This is her life. Her development and her experience. My job is not to determine the timing of the experience. My job is to support her through whatever her experience turns out to be. My job is the same as every generation of mothers and only the timing is different – to pass on Feminine Wisdom.
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Many of you have noticed the header at the top with the rotating of photos. The photos are of The Girl Revolution’s reader’s daughters or grand-daughters and/or themselves.
I would like you to send me more photos. I intend to use 13 or so photos on the Chapter Title Pages of The Girl Revolution Book. Coming soon.
I will choose the best photos for the chapters in the book. Those that are not chosen will be used in the rotating header. The rotating header is fed by a Flckr account, which is public (so is the header). If you have a blog, I will be happy to tag the photo with the name and address of your blog. No other identifying information about your daughter will be released.
Please email the photo to me at traceesioux@gmail.com. Please copy and paste this consent form into the email with the photo, so I can keep them on file.
I give permission for Tracee Sioux to publish my daughter’s photo on TheGirlRevolution.com and/or The Girl Revolution Book I understand the photos will appear randomly by computer generation from a public Flickr file and may also appear on a chapter title page of a book distributed digitally and in print. I understand that no identifying information will be given about my daughter beyond her first name.
These can be photos of girls doing anything they love doing. They can be girls of any age, sex, race or religion. They can be photos that include siblings or relatives. If they include other friends, I’ll need a consent from the other children’s parents.
You remember Kevin and Ericka? The Unofficial The Girl Revolution Teen Romance?
A brief recap: Kevin made an inappropriate comment about Ericka’s curvacious bod. Ericka slapped him back in line. He wrote to The Girl Revolution to find out why Ericka didn’t like her curves. I wrote back, saying maybe Ericka is groovy with her curves – but, didn’t like strange men ogling them and treating her like an object at first meeting. He said he was sorry and asked her out. Ericka agreed to give him a second shot.
They’ve had a wonderful summer dating.
Ericka has since kept in touch. Sending me an email every now and again, giving me updates and asking for advice. I’ve asked her permission, and Kevin’s, to publish some of our conversations for a few reasons.
First, I think you all might have some great advice for them.
Second, I’ve received a few comments from other young men saying they find the stream helpful to their own navigating respect and dating.
Please, leave comments if you have further advice or experience for Kevin and Ericka.
Ericka:
Hi Tracee. Don’t mean to bug you, just checking in. It’s always nice to be able to talk to an adult other than my Mom. Kevin and I are having a great summer, trying to take advantage of the outdoors with swimming, hiking, etc. We do have lots of fun together. I want to take things slow. He gives great foot massages and back rubs and we have kissed many times but that’s as far as it has gone. Does it sound like I’m doing the right thing? Just wanted to make sure. My friends aren’t as conservative as me when it comes to dating. I even got teased by my friends the first time I met Kevin. “I can’t believe you slapped him, you’re such a prude, you really need to lighten up.” But I was proud of how I handled myself and I think Kevin respected me more for it too, so in the end it all worked out.
Tracee:
Go slow. You’re right to respect yourself. I only know this because I was more like your friends as a teenager and it caused me a great deal of heart-ache. When you’re young, you don’t really understand that your actions and behavior, choices and consequences, will follow you far into adulthood. Most of my regrets showed up when I had a daughter and I realized the high price I paid by being promiscuous. I mean, I would never, ever want my daughter to go through the pain I went through.
One thing that sticks out in my mind is something I recently read in a Christiane Northrop book. She’s a world-class OB/GYN and scholar on women’s wisdom and women’s health. She wrote of a study that shows women have a chemical in their brain called Oxytocin which spikes when they have sex with someone. Anyone. Everyone. When women go through oxytocin withdrawal it is as painful as withdrawal from drugs. She said it can take 2 years to get over it. It chemically alters her brain, her body, her psychic energy – not just her emotions. So imagine having casual sex and having this emotional and physical rollercoaster over and over. That’s not really a fun ride for girls. I know. I rode that ride.
Kevin does seem to respect you. It’s not prudish to guard your body, mind and soul from casual sex and pain.
I thought it wouldn’t matter when I was younger. I thought it was just a game.
Take that advice for what it’s worth Ericka. Know that you make the best decisions for yourself.
Ericka:
Gosh Tracee, I don’t know how to thank you for this. It must not have been easy for you to share all of that. We’ll definitely go slow. I don’t think sex has to be an important part of our relationship.
There is something that’s quite personal that I wanted to ask you about. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s ok. My friends say that Kevin will eventually lose interest if I at least don’t allow him to massage my breasts. I’m a little nervous about it but maybe they’re right. If you have any thoughts let me know, if not that’s cool too. This is all so confusing and tricky. Life was so much easier before puberty, lol.
Tracee:
Kevin will not lose interest if don’t let him massage your breasts.
Want to know why men don’t calls girls back after sex? It’s not that he doesn’t “respect” her. It’s that he already achieved his goal.
Men are weird. They want you more if you don’t do stuff with them. When he achieves his goal, he makes a new goal. Breasts, down your pants, sex, etc. Then it’s new girl = new goal.
You should do what you’re comfortable with. For your own pleasure. Responsibly – emotionally, mentally, physically – responsible to your own self. Knowing that men are goal-oriented creatures. Not allowing him to achieve his goal right away is how you keep a guy interested and trying. Women and girls get far more attention and affection from men when they DON’T have sex with them. (Because he’s still motivated to achieve his goal.)
How old are you again?
Ericka:
Thanks again Tracee. To answer your question, I’m 17. I wouldn’t say Kevin has put a lot of pressure on me, other than me having to push his hands away from my bra area a few times. He’s never said anything about it. All of my friends allow their boyfriends to do that, some fully clothed some not, and obviously some of it goes beyond massaging, so I am starting to feel like a nun, lol. But, I think we’ll keep things right where they are because that’s my comfort level. Plus, we’re having lots of fun together in many other ways that don’t involve anything sexual.
Appreciating and embracing our sexuality is a key part of flourishing. All life is, after all, sexually transmitted. Most of us were conceived with an orgasm, even if it was just your father’s. The main reason why sex sells everything from cars to shampoo is that we are naturally drawn to life-sustaining and pleasurable energy. Our cells recognize it just as instinctively as a bee recognizes honey. Sure, you can sublimate sexual energy into other areas of life besides actually having sex. But your body will respond to the erotic until the day you die. We are hardwired from birth for sexual pleasure. It is our birthright. Humans are the only primate whose sexual desire and functioning are not necessarily related to the reproductive cycle. Women’s ability to enjoy sexual pleasure is virtually limitless, which is why marriage and family therapist Pat Allen, Ph.D., refers to women as “orgasmatrons.”
Christiane Northrup
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (Revised Edition): Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing
This book should be on the night table of every woman, especially one with a daughter. It’s so insightful, intuitive, and wise about the woman’s body. The best part about the book is the connections she makes between our physical bodies and our spiritual energy and emotions. When I read it I feel a sense of . . . connection and peace with my body and an excitement about being a woman, especially the beautiful creative phases that comes with it.
