I just read, True Love Waits, by Donna Freitas in the Wall Street Journal, an editorial about the Twilight vampire romance series.
She made some good points about the Twilight Series and the sex involved. I’ve read the first one and though no one “does it” the book is hot with anticipation.
Freitas argues that this book encourages girls to be abstinent and helps them understand they can have fulfilling romantic relationships while demanding respect from boys.
It’s a compelling argument. In theory, it’s one I’d like to hop on board with.
Don’t do it. It’s hot not to do it. And I remember – from being a teenager – how hot it is not to do it, just to fool around, to make him chase me. It really is much hotter not to do it. (Ironically, it’s so hot not to do it that it makes you want to do it.)
Except that it doesn’t account for the language in the book that struck me as exactly the same dialogue we hear from battered women and victims of teen relationship violence.
Not a small problem when you consider that around 20% of our teens have experienced teen dating violence.
“He couldn’t help it,” is what Stephanie Meyers argues is an acceptable reason for Edward to want to kill and harm Bella, the heroine. It’s not just acceptable, it’s romantic.
Battered women and codependent women (women in relationships with addicts) use this excuse in real life, as a “valid reason” to stay and take more abuse from someone who declares his “love” for her and his simultaneous inability to treat her with respect.
The question is – Is it valid?
The reason they don’t “do it” in the first Twilight book – is that he’s godlike strength “would crush her fragile, delicate, vulnerable body.”
Oh, and his vampire instinct makes him literally want to kill her. He wants to so bad that he can barely touch her. The smell of her makes him think “lunch,” the same way I feel jerks who catcall think of us – “lunch – meant for my consumption.”
Hello, that’s not the language of patient, abstinent, sweet and touching young love. That’s the language of power and violence.
Meyers pretends Bella has power over Edward because he claims that being near her drives him out of control (wanting to kill her) that he can barely contain himself. But, existing in a pretty state and smelling good is a pretty passive power.
He has POWER and CONTROL- because he gets to choose whether to kill her or not. Lucky for her he doesn’t – no matter how much she wants him to – until the 3rd or 4th book. Bella’s death was another mingling of erotic and passionate love meets violence and pain. My cousin read me that part over the phone, “Isn’t that great writing? Such a powerful description.”
This is not the language I want to use to make my daughter demand respect and maintain abstinence.
This is the language that makes victims of girls and women. It makes them believe that being a victim is romantic. In real life it’s not at all romantic.
It’s a distortion of love – not True Love.
A man who expects me to not to violate my own sense of self-preservation to win his love actually loves me. We need to stop being confused about that.
If I have to give up my self, my abilities, my life, my safety, my sense self-preservation to be with him – that is most definitely NOT true love. Those are all red flags.
You know another connotation of the word Twilight is a distancing from feelings surrounding reality – they used to put birthing mothers into a semi-coma called Twilight Sleep. This way they could participate in the labor, but without awareness or feeling.
Should most of the issues in this series, or any of the red flag language, come up for Ainsley I hope her first and only instinct is to RUN FOR HER LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
I, quite ironically, am wishing Edward the Vampire Boyfriend was mine. I have a rare genetic condition called Hemochromatosis. Basically, my body doesn’t get rid of iron as it should. Iron is poisonous, especially in the liver where it sits in my body. The only treatment is for me to be bled.
I really need one pint of blood removed from my body every week for the next while. Hot and passionate Edward would be a lot more fun then the phlebotomist at the lab. My husband, he’s pretty great with the dishes – but, he hardly ever offers to suck my blood. And unlike, Bella, that would really be an asset in a mate for me.
For more in-depth reading about how using romantic language and imagery really turns into violence against girls and women read these:
Maybe you’ll recall, last year my daughter had this annoying habit of harassing me about a school lunch tray and Lunchables. I sent her a healthy lunch in a pink plastic lunch box. Every day she’d negotiate with me, If I clean up my room can I have a Lunchable? Can I take a Lunchable on the Field Trip?
Only every time I sent a Lunchable she didn’t eat it – because the food sucks.
Then I’d be superannoyed because they cost 3 freaking dollars. The whole point of sending a lunch is economy and health. Lunchables violates everything a lunch should be. It’s the Kindergarten status symbol, don’t you know?
But, then I read Jen’s, Lunch Box Mania, Keyword “Mania.” She wanted to cut down on disposable items like baggies. Good point. She did all the environmental and cost analysis homework for me and even told me where to buy these Faux Lunchable trays.
Target for $3 each.
How’s that for peer pressure? Ainsley’s status symbol is a Lunchable and mine is an economically and environmentally friendly object that will allow me to feed my kid healthy food without incessant complaining.
Please God, don’t let it take her 35 years to figure out how to choose your peer pressure for your own self-preservation and best interests.
I figured I’d buy two so one could be in the dishwasher and one could be at school. Of course, I should have factored in the brother and bought 4.
Unfortunately, the only metal child-sized drinking options conflicted with our branding rules – High School Musical (I promised she could have High School Musical everything when she’s in High School. But, it’s not called 1st Grade Musical or Primary Musical), Princess and Bratz – those were my choices. So, I opted for the Dora plastic thermos with the snack compartment on the bottom until I can find a thermos without implications. (Okay, that’s a good point – the lunch box is also plastic.)
As you saw in the video, the Baked Cheetos are going to buy me a lot of peace, I think. Last year I was probably too strict on her lunch snacks. This was daddy’s brilliant idea. It’s only 100 calories. We bought the bulk box for $8.95 at Sams Club and there are 30 packages.
That’s 6 weeks of family harmony and peace – what a bargain.
Have you any idea what its like to work with two small children in your cube?
THIS is the reason I’m not doing cartwheels – Yet.
Zack is bored and lonely when his sister goes to school. He needs to go to preschool. Only I didn’t realize my new town has only one and it fills up fast.
I’m praying for two biters and two separation anxieties – Zack’s 4th on the list.
Mother’s Day Out will give me 2 days a week to work uninterrupted. It will give him social contact with other children and stimulation. He’s super smart – which is why he was trying to Make His Own Popcorn For Dinner. Check out his Potty Dance debut on YouTube.
How are ya’ll managing your first day of school around the country?
Perfection – it’s the pervasive modern-day feminine Achilles heel and we’re passing it down to our daughters according to The Supergirl Dilemma a report about the pressure girls today are under.
Girls feel strong pressure to be perfect, look perfect and behave perfect all the time.
And I don’t feel this is something we can blame on men. When was the last time you heard a man exclaim, I can’t be perfect! I can’t be everything to everyone all the time! Um, Never.
No, this is not an external problem – it’s an internal feminine problem stemming from MOTHERS.
{{{{{Gasp}}}}} I said it.
To illustrate why I think so, here’s two quick references to mother’s preoccupation with perfection in our current feminine dialogue: Christine Fugate writes in the foreword of her new book, The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood Volume 1,
Over one hundred essays poured in from 26 states and four countries. Reading the essays shed light on the current state of the mom-mind. For example, the word ‘perfect’ (of a variation of it) was used over 92 times. That’s almost one ‘perfect’ for every mom. While I think the questioning of perfection is positive (although not every essay questioned it), the frequency shows that the desire to be ‘perfect’ continues to loom over our sense of identity.
All too many American women are in thrall to increasingly deranged ideals of perfection. We live in a culture that constantly exhorts us to improve ourselves – and that assumes the perfectibility of virtually everything. If you don’t like your nose, get a nose job! If you don’t like the color of your hair, dye it! If your thighs are lumpy have liposuction! If you want abs of steel, go to the gym! Personal maintenance has become a national obsession that consumes a staggering amount of energy and resources; if American women put even a fraction of the time they spend on their appearance into working or social and political change, this country would be utterly transformed.
The Supergirl Dilemma, the report we discussed on Friday about gender stereotypes by Girls Inc., does not ignore the influence of adults in the girls’ perceptions of what is important.
It’s no surprise that the adult women – mothers and nonmothers included – answers to the questions mirrors the girls’ answers to the questions.
True, People think that girls care a lot about shopping, 92% of the women said.
True, girls are under a lot of pressure to please everyone, 84% of the adult women said.
True, Girls are under a lot of pressure to dress the right way, 89% of the the adult women said.
What’s fascinating is that women were much more likely than men to say they disliked that these stereotypes are true. Women are also more likely than the girls to say they disliked that these stereotypes are true – by a lot.
One reads the women’s answers to the questions about girls and wonders if they aren’t really answering what it was like for themselves as girls.
Perhaps because the women themselves are caving under the pressure of being perfect?
As in most reports about girls there’s a lot of talk about media influence and pressure.
I’m definitely interested in helping Ainsley resist media pressure – but, who is helping her resist internalizing my feelings of being under pressure?
I’d like to see a report about how the media – television, marketing and advertising – is impacting mothers.
Are mothers figuring out how to deal with The Onslaught about women’s bodies and sexuality, or are we internalizing it in an unhealthy way and then passing that onto our own daughters?
How are mothers going to resist media pressure that tells us we’re never good enough?
If we can get right with ourselves, learn to accept our own selves in our imperfect states, and let this perfection pressure go, nothing will be able to hold our empowered daughters back.
If not. . . well, there’s a lot of pressure to be perfect and I don’t have to tell you how that feels – you already know.
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