Just discovered your blog. I like what you stand for.

My sister punched a bully who was picking on our youngest brother when she was maybe 10 or 11. I don’t know whether or not she got in trouble at the time, but it’s something we all talk about now as a positive thing. No one bugged her or my brother after that. It demonstrates the kinda woman she is — she’s got grit. Always has, always will. And I’ve often thought, how can I ensure that my daughter will get a little of that grit running through her veins?

I think the answer to the question is that boys are naturally given more positive feedback for questioning adults or standing up for themselves.

Consider your natural reaction to a boy and a bully at school. If your boy were to punch the bully in the face and deal with him once and for all, never to be bullied again you might give him positive reinforcement for standing up for himself. You might even take him to karate to teach him how to fight for himself effectively. You might have advised him not to let himself be pushed around.

Now imagine your daughter punching out the girl who keeps calling her a slut in gym. You might wonder what the hell you’ve done wrong as a parent. You might demand the girl apologize for not being nice and being a “bigger person.”

I think the issue is that we naturally give boys more positive reinforcement for being assertive or aggressive, whereas we don’t with our girls. My husband wrestles with our daughter, but he didn’t do it as young as he is with our boy. He also thinks it’s hilarious to make him growl and flex his muscles and tackle his sister. Our son is only 16 months old and already his aggressiveness is being positively reinforced. Yet, when our daughter argues with her friends at school we encourage her to make nice, even if the other girl is being mean.

I think it is relevant to note that our boys watch us correct our girls and discourage assertive or aggressive behavior and that may influence their negative feelings about whether women should insist on more money in the future.

I think the studies are suggesting that encouraging a little bit of aggression and a little less nice pays off financially in the future. But, the boys already get that kind of encouragement.

Tracee

I mean, I obviously want to empower my daughter any way I can, and we do (usually) try to explain to our daughter when a “no” comes along.

But boys as well as girls are very often given that “because I said so” and “just be good” lines. So why would it affect the girls any differently?

Not disagreeing with you, just questioning.