Entries Tagged 'Family Life' ↓

Lately I haven’t been having enough play in my life. It’s been all stress and anxiety. The “what ifs” have been having a circus in my brain, doing cartwheels, making me a mess of fearful futures that aren’t even that scary. The biggest “what ifs” being absurd like, “what if I won’t have anything to do?”

It’s been helping to have friends and family who are willing to go do playful things with me and the kids. Going to the big city pool with my friend Jenny and her kids. Going school clothes shopping yesterday and rocking some clearance racks at Macy’s.

Today we’re going to the Denver Zoo with my Mother-in-Law. We’ve never been to this zoo, so it should be fun.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

It’s a priceless commodity and I’m glad to finally have some access to it. For the past few months I’ve been struggling to let myself get anywhere near feeling it. We’ve been doing some fun stuff, but I’ve been so bound up in fear that I wasn’t coming close to having any fun. But, the medication is doing its job and I’ve been feeling fun again.

Feeling like maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to get back on my horse and ride. Like maybe I’ll be able to take a risk or two again. Like maybe I still have some goals that I might possibly be able to achieve in this lifetime. Like maybe, just maybe there is still some purpose for me, something to keep my eye on and move toward.

So, today, we’ll go to the zoo. And it will be fun. I’m determined to have some fun. I’m determined to have a positive attitude and just watch my kids and the animals and chat with my MIL and maybe enjoy the taste of a snowcone.

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Today I’m grateful that my children have fantastic grandparents. I was blessed to know all four of my grandparents until my two grandfathers passed when I was an adult.

Just the mention of grandparents coming to visit, is enough to make my children so excited they are even willing to emergency clean. LOL.

My mother-in-law is visiting for several days and I find it such a comfort. We’ll soon make our summer trek to see my parents in Utah and it too will be a comfort.

Both grandmothers tend to bring a craft or sewing project for Ainsley and I kind of love that they keep the feminine textile arts alive for us.

Grandparents are awesome. They provide continuity and fun and tradition. Not to mention wisdom. Since becoming older my mother and mother-in-law are more open about the trials of their lives and it makes me feel less alone.

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In beautiful April,

Flowers Bloom,

And babies are born.

Summer is almost here.

It’s getting even hotter,

As spring passes by.

The sun stays out,

while gloomy clouds go away.

Kids run around playing,

Instead of inside their houses.

Birds start chirping,

The snow on the mountains melt,

Grass gets greener every day.

And school is almost out!

Ainsley’s poem was chosen for the National Young Writers of America Anthology. I am a proud Mama.

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So, The Tone has not resolved itself. The Tone used to be directed only at me.

But, now. . .

It could lash itself on the little brother. . . the neighbor . . . friends.

I’ve taken to making her do chores when it gets out of control.

Talk back, argue, snap at someone, hurt someone’s feelings  . . .

Sweep the floors.

Mop the kitchen.

Clean the bathrooms.

Vacuum.

Do some yard work.

I like it because it takes some work off my plate. I like it because it teaches her valuable life skills. I like it because it is something I can DO about it. I like it because I think work is calming, really. It’s soothing to sort, organize, file and have something be different when you’re done.

Will it get rid of The Tone?

Who knows?

But, at least my house will be clean and tidy.

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My youngest child turned five yesterday! Five! 5! FIVE!

What a milestone for this Mama! (For him too, but come on! This is huge for ME!)

Child development books say that a person is who they are by the time they are five. They have a psyche, they’ve either achieved a sense of safety, love and well-being – or they haven’t.

He has. Hallelujah he has. We’ve done our jobs well. We’ve put in the time, energy and love. I’ve read the bedtime stories and taught the letters, numbers, colors and shapes. We’ve put in the work towards discipline and limits, all that hard parenting stuff. He’s a good, solid, stable, happy, well-developed person.

For me, as a woman and a mother, this day is significant.

It marks the end of a spiritual agreement I entered into with myself, my Mormon heritage, my unknowing children, and my desire for meaningful work when I became a mother.

The agreement was: I will have children and work from home, no matter what the sacrifices may be, giving most of my time, attention and focus to them, until the youngest one is five.

The agreement has been fulfilled. He’s 5! He’s five! He’s FIVE!

I’ve walked the tight-rope, sacrificed a great deal, fought the internal work v. mothering war, raged against the unfairness of my own agreement and it. was. so. hard. The result: two well-adjusted happy children with solid foundations that will last them a lifetime.

I did it! He’s five!!!

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