The Girl Revolution » LOVE & Other High Risks

The REAL Big Love

Tracee — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 23:24:09 +0000

I just finished Shattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist’s Wife by Irene Spencer.

I grew up Mormon so I have an historical interest in polygamy. I even have some limited personal experience with it. My father’s great-great’s were polygamous. Legend goes his great-great grandfather was polygamous when polygamy became outlawed in Utah in 1890. This caused a fracture in The Church, where many families continued to live by The Principle and the majority abided by the law. My dad’s great-great remained married to the youngest and prettiest wife and divorced the others, causing resentment from the rest of the wives, his great-great grandmother included. I could have this wrong. It’s only what I recall of family lore.

Added to that, one of the first boys I dated in Junior High in Orem, Utah came from a polygamist family. Two of the wives had divorced by the time I dated him, but he had 19 sibling-cousins. His father had married two sisters.

At times I watch Big Love or read books like this and think, “This might have been my potential future.”

Reading this book, what struck me was the common thread of men using religion and “the Word of God” to get what they want from women. The author, Irene Spencer, speaks in great detail of her personal feelings as a wife. So many of the justifications she used to convince herself to participate in things her own heart, soul, spiritual intuition and her own inner voice told her not to do, she did because her husband told her to and she believed he had to obey him to get into heaven and avoid hell.

The thing is, I’ve heard the exact justifications used by men to control women in every religion. This pattern of women ignoring their own innate spiritual guidance systems, their own promptings from the Holy Spirit, or whatever terminology different religions use, is a common thread in religion and the history of religion.

The other connection I made is her willingness to do anything for the promise of love. Not actual Love – just the promise of it. This is a common thread of women and girls in abusive situations. Love – it’s our Achilles heal. This desperate need for love must have been what the authors of Genesis referred to as “The Curse” when Eve was told she “would love her husband.” That’s why women will consent to abuse, tyranny and inequality in their relationships. In my opinion, the point of the story is to warn women NOT to do this – to overcome her curse – only then will she save herself. This same verse has tragically been used in countless congregations to convince women they should submit to their husbands.

Irene reminded me of Biblical figures like Sarah from Genesis. Following their husbands and prophet to the ends of the earth, often times to disastrous ends.

The fact that these stories end in disaster makes me question whether we’ve been reading The Book wrong. Many of these stories, in fact, appear to me as “what not to do” warnings. Still, we hear it preached from the pulpit as the example to follow.

I read Irene Spencer’s account of being enslaved by the dictates of male religious authorities, social orders of a legalistic religious nature, and blindly doing what her husband commands of her – ignoring what her own spiritual authority and divine connection is telling her – as an account of “what not to do.”

The real tragedy is that women don’t trust their own spiritual authority and divine connection more than they trust male authority figures.

Think of the profound, divine insight the planet has missed out on.

Slapstick Romance

Tracee — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 23:49:15 +0000

Remember when Kevin make a body-centered comment to a girl he liked and didn’t understand why he got slapped in the face? Then he emailed me and asked for advice, which he brilliantly followed. Dating ensued.

Ericka, the lovely girl he insulted, then made-good with and now respectfully dates, emailed me the below Thank You note. It’s very sweet and I just love that this is working out for them. . . Oh and if you don’t know what the heck I’m talking about you can find the previous posts below.

Hi Tracee. This is Ericka, the girl that Kevin met at the dance a while back. I don’t know how to thank you for giving him advice. It turns out that he’s a really sweet guy and we have a great relationship. Lots of guys my age are jerks and I guess I assumed the worst about him when he made the “hourglass” comment. I’m happy with my body shape but it’s really frustrating to be judged for your bra size and not your brains. I do remember that he looked ashamed rather than angry after I slapped him and I was hoping I was wrong about him. I was thrilled when I saw his email! We’re having a great time and can now laugh about the first time we met. Without your help, this might not have happened so you should feel great! Also, I saw your blog entries covering this topic and thought they were excellent.

Thank you so much Tracee and abosolutely you can publish it on your site. Kevin is such a gentleman and I definitely see long term possibilities. We have so much fun together. On a funny note, he is really tall at 6′6″ and I’m a short girl at 5′2″. I really had to get on my toes and reach in order to connect with that slap, lol. When I looked over about a minute later, he was still standing there by himself, holding his cheek, looking dumbfounded….I knew then that he was probably a nice guy who had just made a silly mistake. I was thrilled when I heard back from him!
Body Image Question from 17-year-old Kevin

Respect Pays Off For Kevin

Teen Girls Aren’t As Stupid As I Thought

Tracee — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:00:01 +0000

Teen girls aren’t as stupid as I thought. I know, this is a totally pro-girl website. That doesn’t meant I think girls are always the smartest. Sometimes — especially when boys and men are involved — girls can be quite stupid. Myself included. Hell, historically, myself mostly.

I’ve been subbing at the high school and junior high this year. It’s pretty fun. I adore teenagers. I’m a freak like that. I’ll take a classroom of teens over a gaggle of snotty toddlers that want to cuddle with me any day.

Their regular teacher warned me that this class was really, really bad and that they couldn’t be trusted not to talk if I even let them whisper and she wanted names of anyone who uttered so much as a whisper and she would dully punish them.

Uh ok.

The whole not talking thing struck me as stupid when I was in junior high. It still does.

I went back to reading the 3rd book in the Twilight Series, Eclipse. What I won’t do for The Girl Revolution, caught off guard with nothing to read, with access to a junior high library.

If you’ve been here before you know that I hate the Twilight Series because I think Bella is the stupidest girl character on the Planet Earth. But, whatever, at least girls are reading. Who cares if they’re reading training material for being a battered girlfriend?

That teacher was so right. As soon as the girls saw what I was reading they started talking about Twilight. This is, after all, THE girl-culture phenomenon of their time. They couldn’t escape it if they wanted to. Everyone’s talking about it, everyone has seen the movies, read the books, bought the branded accessories and school supplies.

Bella is so stupid! one girl said.

Really? How so? I said, totally shocked.

She wants to die. Don’t you think that’s stupid? they said.

Yeah, I think it’s stupid, but I thought girls thought it was romantic, I said.

No, she’s totally stupid. She goes for Edward and he’s totally ugly! they said.

In the book he’s not ugly, he’s the most beautiful man in entire history of mankind, well vampirekind! I argued.

In the movie he’s ugly and pasty. Jacob is sooo hot! they declared.

One girl pulled out a photo of Jacob. He’s hot.

So, you don’t think it’s romantic to give up everything and die for a boy? I asked.

No way! I don’t want to die! Why would you want to die? Would you want to die with an ugly man? they asked.

I hate to break it to you, but most of you will probably die with ugly men. Look around ladies, this is as good as boys get, eventually they are old and bald and pot-bellied, I said. I’m sorry I can’t help myself. The truth pops out of my mouth before I can stop it sometimes.

They looked around shocked and laughed.

One of the boys said something like, Twilight is so stupid.

To which I responded, Smart boys will read it so they know what girls want. Otherwise they’ll constantly be wondering how come they disappoint their girlfriends.

Seriously, you don’t want to give up your whole life, your whole family, your ability to have children, college, careers and all that for a boy? I asked them. I thought perhaps I might cry with relief.

No way! Besides, she should have gone with Jacob, he’s way hotter, they said.

That settles it. There is hope for the future of girls in spite of trashy-romance-novels-turned-propaganda-for-eternal-marriage.

In fact, now that I think about it, it makes those girls smarter than lots of women I know. At least for now, while it remains hypothetical.

Respect Pays off for Kevin

Tracee — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:00:47 +0000

Remember Kevin? He was our teenage friend who wanted to know why women didn’t like being called curvy. I suggested, in a nutshell, that maybe the girl wanted her self to be acknowledged before Kevin got all into her curvy bod. Click HERE if you don’t remember.

Kevin took my advice and it worked out for him. He and the girl have been on a couple of dates. With their permission, here’s how the juicy goodness of respectful dating went down:

Dear E,

This is Kevin. We met a few weeks ago. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful. While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Kevin

Hi Kevin. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and so cute! That’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter. I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight. Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest. That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

I do think it would be unfair for me to write you off as a jerk, based on a few, unfortunate word choices. So yes, I’m willing to forgive and forget and might even meet you for coffee, like we had talked about, but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato…..just joking

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me. I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.

Kevin also expounded on what he learned from this experience in an email to me:

Hi Tracee! I emailed E. and absolutely, she’s comfortable with you publishing the email exchange we had.

I really do feel like I’ve grown up a lot from this whole experience. Btw, I had a heart to heart chat with my Dad about the incident (still too embarrassed to tell my mom, who would probably scold me, lol). He was actually very understanding and gave me some great advice. He also told me not to feel too bad about getting slapped by a girl, as its par for the course for many boys in their journey to manhood. What’s more important is how you handle it and what you learn from it. He then proceeded to share a story of his own, that was also somewhat amusing.

During college, my father was on the receiving end of a breakup with his girlfriend. She was very thoughtful in explaining why they should go their separate ways. His reaction on the other hand, was one of pleasure and relief, almost thanking her for breaking up with him. Insulted by his lack of disappointment, she gave him a stinging slap on the cheek and walked off. He stood their alone, rubbing his cheek, bewildered….after all, he was the one that got dumped. Then he realized that he had showed her no sensitivity whatsoever. The lesson he learned was that being sensitive and compassionate with women is a big part of being a gentleman. I’m glad to have learned that lesson at his expense! lol

–kevin

The Girl Revolution 40 Days of Love

Tracee — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:47:50 +0000

The Girl Revolution 40 Days of Love.

Our church is doing a 40 Days of Love study for Lent. The idea is to improve our marriages, our relationships in our families and also our relationship with God. Madly In Love With Me is encouraging 40 Days of Love for one’s self, where you’re encouraged to forgo self-deprecation and running yourself ragged with busyness.

I was reminded of that post I wrote about two weeks ago, Talking to Kids About Love, where I encouraged you to talk to your kids about love: what it is and how it can be appropriately expressed as a way to protect them from sexual predators, bad boyfriends, battering husbands and also just your general run-of-the-mill selfish jerk.

I’m encouraging you to join in the Love Fest with The Girl Revolution 40 Days of Love.

Spend 40 days talking to your kids about what love is (and what it isn’t) and showing them you love them.

Some ideas might include:

Reading Disney’s Princess stories and talking to both girls and boys about what you wish those princesses had done. Perhaps expressing to your daughter that you don’t think it’s romantic to give up her voice like Ariel or fall in love with a kidnapper or abusive boyfriend like Belle.

Talking about Twilight and explaining that girls usually don’t “pass out” from the passion of a kiss and it’s definately not romantic if her boyfriend’s “natural” instinct is to kill her. Explaining that, there’s a difference between a romance novel and real life and in real life you hope she keeps her dreams, educational goals, family attachments, and well . . .her mortal soul and doesn’t abandon them for a boy.

Outlining exactly what kinds of touching is not appropriate from relatives, friends, and boys. Explain to her that some people are bad and unfortunately and inappropriately attracted to children. Tell her their trick: the tell little girls it’s okay to touch them because they love them. But, girls should not believe them. If they ever hear that from someone they will know that person is a liar and trying to trick them and hurt them. This goes for Grandpa, Dad, Cousin, Uncle, Friend, Mom, Grandma, Aunt, EVERYONE.

Talking about how she’ll know if a boy is right for her: does he share the same faith, have a work ethic, write her romantic notes. There’s nothing wrong with telling girls what kind of boy you hope to see her with.

Talking to her about self-defense and some of the ways boys tried to pressure you to sexually experiment and some of the ways she can resist.

Asking her about love and what she hopes for her future. What boys does she think are cute and why? How do boys show girls they like them at her school?

Talking about different kinds of relationships: parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners. How can she get better at love and how can you love her better?

Talking about what her Love Language is. What makes her feel most loved? What makes her feel unloved? Share your experiences with her. Listen.

Who’s in?