One Girl On Cutting

When I posted about the book Willow, I received a response from Valentina about her experience with cutting herself.

When I was a teenager, I cut myself, not with a knife, but with the fingernails I had grown so long that they could break my skin. I was perfectly happy with myself and my body, but I did it because I had no other way to express my anger and frustration. I had a diary, but writing it down wasn’t enough, I had to feel the anger coming out. The pain felt good to me. I felt that if I told anyone they would mock me, and I just couldn’t bring myself to show any emotions,she wrote.

I asked 20 year old Valentina Von Kleist, of Toronto, Canada to expand on her comment in order to give The Girl Revolution insight into this coping behavior.

When I was around 13 years old, I started to cut myself with my fingernails. I had grown them about half an inch long by this point, and when I dug them into my arms, they would bleed a bit, and leave little crescent shaped marks. They weren’t very deep, but they were painful enough for me. I did this about once a week. It could be triggered by lots of different things, sometimes my parents would say something inadvertently that upset me, I was bullied a lot throughout elementary school, for various things including my OCD, and a lot of times that (the bullying) caused it. For some reason, I had a lot of problems showing any sort of emotion, so I wrote it all down in a diary. Sometimes, though, that didn’t help. I needed to actually feel the anger and hurt leaving my body. Despite the bullying, my body image was absolutely fine, and I had to work very hard to keep it up. When I was around 9 I came very close to developing anorexia, I don’t remember how I recovered from that, I suppose I realized what I was doing to myself. I was often jealous of my childhood best friend, who I felt “ditched me” to hang around with other girls (who I didn’t like). I lived in a small town, and I felt restricted, like I was in prison. I read all sorts of travel magazines, and I dreamed of being able to travel to other places. Elementary school was a prison to me, a glass cube. I could see what was out there, but I couldn’t reach it. Just existing was not enough for me, I wanted to really live. I had maps plastered all over my walls, five shelves of National Geographic Magazines. I rejected the superficialities of other kids. All I wanted was to travel, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t leave my house without my parent’s supervision. I still feel this way, I suppose, but I have found other outlets.

As I said before, I had great difficulty showing emotion. I have absolutely no idea why I was in this state. Once, I threw my jewelry box at a wall, which grabbed the attention of my mother. I thought no one understood me (as many teens do), and I didn’t want the attention of my parents. Once, they noticed the scars, and made a huge, rather embarrassing fuss. I wore long sleeves to hide the marks after that, no matter how hot I was. Later, I developed a panic disorder and agoraphobia. I became afraid of people due to the amount of bullying I had gone through my whole life, I thought everyone was out to get me and became paranoid. One night, I had a severe anxiety attack, I was shaking and trembling for no apparent reason, I was taken to the hospital, and the doctor recommended a psychiatrist for me.

I’ve stopped cutting now. High school was a pleasant change from elementary school, the bullying stopped, and I made lots of friends. One night, I looked at the scars on my arms, and I thought “What am I doing to myself?” And from then on, I stopped. Cutting myself helped me cope with emotions I couldn’t share with anyone, emotions I had no way to express, but as of now I have found a much more productive outlet for my feelings: my music. I play piano and violin, and I realized that the music sounded so beautiful when I put emotions into it, no matter what they were, and I’m proud of myself for being able to create beauty out of such ugly actions and feelings.

Related posts:

1. The Curse of the Good Girl
2. The Girl Revolution Book Review Week (Willow)
3. The Girl Revolution Book Review Week – Willow
4. Nickelodeon Day of Play
5. Empowering Girls: A New Earth – Acceptance & Global Anger