Oh My Gosh!
Did anyone catch the Oprah on How to Have the Sex Talk yesterday?
Dr. Laura Berman, the beautiful and non-threatening sex therapist and author of Real Sex for Real Women, walked us through a very nice and forthright conversation we can have with our tweens. I was down with that. I even asked Ainsley if she wanted to watch that part of the show to answer any questions. No, I’m almost finished with my chapter book, she said.
We’ve already had the nuts and bolts discussion about what sex is. I know it seems young, but it kept coming up and like Laura, I think it should be an ongoing and honest conversation devoid of fear and anxiety. I wrote how that went for Ainsley and I in Empowering Girls: Anti-Climactic Birds and the Bees.
I was totally on board when Laura said we should talk to our kids about touching themselves as well. Small children – girls and boys – know it feels good to touch themselves on their private parts. I have been having a dialogue with Ainsley about this since toddlerhood. The conversation was centered around safety issues:
No one is allowed to touch you there except you. You need to be very gentle when you touch your vagina (I’m not saying labia or clitoris to a toddler – shut up). You never, ever put anything inside your vagina, because that’s not gentle and you could harm yourself. No one, ever, is allowed to put anything inside your vagina ever. That is never, ever okay and if anyone ever tries to, you kick and scream and bite and then come to mommy or daddy and tell on them.
Menstruation? Easy. Just answer the natural questions “what are those for?” when you buy tampons or pads or they find them in your purse. We bleed. It’s how God made women. We do it to carry babies.
I’m totally down with the talking about sex thing, I thought.
Until the junior high girls came on. I swear to you my first instinct was, Screw that! I’ll just put her in an All Girls School or Home School. Who doesn’t want to be spared the singular social nightmare of junior high anyway?
Here’s the part I’m confused about: Was there some evolutionary shift in the Universe that made girls way more desperate for love and affection than teenage boys are to touch boobs or have sex?
Evidently, teenage girls are desperate to be loved and claim a “boyfriend.” So desperate, in fact, according to the teen survey in Seventeen Magazine and O Magazine, that boys can extort nude photos to show their friends and demand sexual favors of girls simply by saying “if you don’t put out then I won’t talk to you anymore.” And girls are falling for it. Read the article about the teen survey here.
Gee, I wonder where boys got the idea that girls were objects put on this earth for their entertainment? Maybe all those Burger King and SuperBowl Commericals and rap lyrics?
Steve Harvey claims that girls lowered the bar for boys. In his book, Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man, he claims that the fact that girls require nothing – no dating, no roses, no commitment or basic level of respect - before they will have sex is responsible for the declining behavior of men.
When I wrote about this theory before, a several adult women responded that they don’t “withhold sex” to get stuff. They felt the men they dated respected them anyway and it was mutual. But, when we’re talking about teenagers it seems teenage girls ought to get some level of dating signifying respect before they do it for nothing! And nothing about it seemed mutual.
Girls are giving blow jobs as Third Base (30% of teen girls admit to oral sex). Boys don’t perform oral sex in return. Foreplay is a Sext demanding sexual acts, for which the girls get . . . .what? Evidently nothing. No love, commitment, romance or affection. No movie, no dinner out, no flowers, no love poem, and no “I’ll love you forever.” She gets to claim she has a “boyfriend” for five minutes, until another girl sends nude photos of herself and trumps her claim.
Surely this is an extreme example? Those middle school kids on Oprah acted like this is run-of-the-mill, every-day reality for them.
“Seventy-eight percent of surveyed girls who are no longer virgins say they’ve had sex without using a condom, and 65 percent of them admit they lied about or hid it from their mothers. Most troubling, a sobering 56 percent of girls who are no longer virgins have had sex without any form of birth control: Sixty-six percent of these girls have kept that a secret from Mom. Even among the few girls who had an abortion, many didn’t tell,” says the article.
Boys no longer have to do anything to get sex from girls, girls do it for nothing and they aren’t using condoms and 25% of them now have STDs. Brilliant.
A few weeks ago I suggested parents, teachers, mentors and counselors talk about sex so often, so openly and so honestly that we claim sex back from the media with the truth and make it a middle-aged serious-as-hell, kinda grody thing to do in Real Sex, Take 35.
The survey holds this theory to be true: “It’s the girls who talk to their moms before their first time who are less likely to have regrets and risky sex. Also, girls who have The Talk are half as likely to get pregnant as those who don’t,” says the article.
Toward the end of the show Dr. Laura Berman made Gale King nearly die of a heart attack when she suggested mothers buy their daughters vibrators. Truth be told, I also nearly choked.
Her logic holds that if girls are able to fulfill their sexual needs by themselves, they won’t be so likely to have sex with a partner.
Maybe.
But, what’s wrong with good old-fashioned tools like shower heads and water faucets? Or their own hands? Why do we need to buy our kids vibrating gadgets? Will it be the new status symbol like the hottest cell phone or Wii? It’s just too much.
And really, the vibrator solution does nothing for my biggest concern – the obvious desperation of girls who will do anything sexual for no emotional pay-off from boys who treat them like they are nothing.
What did you think of the Talking to Kids About Sex Oprah Show?
Download an easy-to-use free handbook about how to talk to your kids about sex here.
Read the article about the teen survey here.
Girls Lowered The Bar – Steve Harvey
Empowering Girls: Anti-Climactic Birds and the Bees.
Sharpton Protests Anti-Girl Lyrics
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8 comments ↓
I thought the vibe thing was over the top. Do we have to do EVERYTHING for our kids? No. No we do not. Let them save their allowance and secretly order one from the internet. You won’t see me purchasing sex toys for my KIDS. Guess I’m old fashioned like that. Blurg.
Jen’s last blog post..Oh, Hey
Exactly. Generations have figured out how to do this without their parents.
The vibrator suggestion was ridiculous! She based this on the premise that most women can’t reach orgasm using their own touch. Maybe that’s true for the women she sees in her practice, but I don’t think it’s the majority of women. Remember people come to see her who are having problems.
I do not believe teen girls will skip sexual activities with boys because they have a vibrator waiting at home. That was Lauras premise. Hey it’s WAY more fun with a partner! A vibrator does and will not take the place of human intimacy.
there are tons of ways to prevent our daughters from having sex at a young age. Tracee you discuss these all the time here son this blog.
Glad to hear most people thought the vibrator for teens was stupid.
Did you hear Mark on the panel Friday. He was stunned and thought it was pretty silly to equate a vibrator with a man. He was like”Wait a minute I think I get more credit than that!”
Terry Candee’s last blog post..Flower Child Brooch
Well, Mark might get more credit than a vibrator, but from my experience, teenage boys do not. Especially, if foreplay is a sext message demanding girls send them photos of their boobs or they won’t talk to them anymore.
In my opinion – the female orgasm is tied to the feelings of emotional connection to their partner. Love and feeling emotionally connected and committed – or lack thereof – is the major reason that teenage girls can or can’t achieve orgasm with a partner.
It seems odd that this information – love and emotional connection – wasn’t mentioned in the sex education show. It should be the focus – don’t you think? Or are we to cynical to believe love is tied to sex anymore?
Also, God has something of an odd sense of humor to create the male sexual peak at 19 and the women’s sexual peak at 35.
Vibrators are great to spice things up in long committed relationships or for single adult women.
But, not so much the parents buying them for teenagers as deterrent for teens having sex. (I’m doubting it’s effective prevention.)
Also, I can’t imagine how a woman is going to learn to have an orgasm with her future partner if she’s used to reaching orgasm with such intense stimulation as a vibrator. I mean, we want our kids to be able to be orgasmic eventually without having to rely on machinery.
I agree totally about the vibrator suggestion.
That would be a great theory if physical gratification was what they were looking for – but it’s not. They’re exploring, they’re trying new things – they’re looking for emotional gratification. As a teenage girl, I was looking for intimacy with a boy, I needed his love, his validation, his approval, his etc..etc.. Masterbation would NOT have been a substitute for that. They’re not having sex for an orgasm like teen boys are.
All that being said, I do think we should inform our girls about orgasms, and good, meaningful sex versus sex for approval/validation/etc.
that girl’s last blog post..I’m with the band..
[...] last week’s show and talking to your kids about sex and the whole vibrator thing – I think America was somewhat shocked that it had you know. . . . gone this [...]
When are girls going to fight back? When a boy stops talking to a girl because she won’t send him a picture of her boobs, why doesn’t she tell everyone that he whipped it out (right after he sent her a sext), and it was SOOOO small that she laughed, and THAT’s why he’s not talking to her anymore! Seriously. Girls really need to grow some spine and some guts and FIGHT BACK!
I myself am 15 years old and ran across this article and decided to read it. I have a friend who was not given an in depth discussion about why she should have sex, and was only told to “Not do it.” Well before her 15th birthday she had her first time and now, with her 17th birthday in 5 months, she has had sex with 5 guys and has gone through an abortion. Even worse, she’s now on birth control and seems to care even less about her self worth. Well, I have somethings to say to all parents out there. You really need to talk to your teens, no matter how awkward it may be for you and them. More than “Don’t do it”. You need to tell them why its a bad idea and what could happen as well as how we may be viewed by our peers. Also, it’s important to explain that if a guy asks for pictures and such, they shouldn’t be given because he’ll basically take them and run. And as for the vibrator situation, I feel there is nothing wrong with giving your teen a vibrator. If you are sure you have taught them well, and trust them, then don’t worry about them trying the “other option”.
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