Growing Girls With Purpose

Mustard Seed

I declared to the Universe that I was ready to “Release that which no longer serves me to make room to Receive that which does.”  Boy, did she throw down the gauntlet.

Release this! she challenged.

Game On! I responded.

And the world did not end.

Throughout the night she’s been nagging, pestering me, release this, write it, put it out there, own it. So I will. Freedom is what I seek.

Over the last two years or so I’ve been processing my past pretty heavily. Reinterpreting my “story” to make sense of it, retranslate it, reframe it for myself. I’ve found NET – neuro-emotional technique – to be extraordinarily helpful for processing the past and getting rid of emotional energy that just keeps banging around in my body, screwing with my present health or current psyche. My recurrent feelings of “worthlessness” came up over and over and they kept being traced back to this one episode. This is the perfect example of why Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s also the perfect example of why I believe in Law of Attraction.

In one translation of my life, I can trace every terrible mistake I’ve ever made to my feelings of “worthlessness,” which go back to one night when I was almost 14-years-old when I had sex with my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Weird, right? I don’t even know why I did it. I wasn’t nursing a terrible crush on him. I wasn’t in love with him. I had never made out with him before. I’m not even sure how I ended up in a sleeping bag with him on the back porch of his mom’s house. I went out with my friends, we met up with their boyfriends. He was there, we were the only two without partners and that’s the only reason we paired off. I suppose I had a small crush on him, I thought he was cool. I suppose I envied my best friend a little bit. I suppose I justified that he wasn’t her boyfriend anymore. I suppose I thought we would “just be making out.” Certainly, I never intended to actually have sex with him. I had never had sex with anyone. In my fantasies my first time wasn’t going to be a one night stand with someone who didn’t have any interest in me at all. I may have smoked pot, I don’t remember. It was an out-of-body experience and I was floating away, until he said something so startling that it jerked me back to the present. . . “go ahead let yourself cum.” I was 13. No one had ever told me girls cum. Do they ejaculate? What does this mean? What does that look like? This was shocking news. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing. I realized I had just lost my best friend. I had just broken her heart. I realized that I was a terrible awful friend. A horrible person. A slut. A whore. No longer a virgin. No longer the good daughter. No longer the good Mormon girl. I am a Worthless Whore/Terrible Friend, I believed to my very core in that second.

This judgement on myself — Worthless Whore/Terrible Friend — led me into my first serious relationship a very short time later, which got very abusive very quickly. It was so easy for me to believe I was a worthless whore when he told me that’s exactly who I was, after all, I already had the evidence. I let him punish me in any way he wanted to, hitting, coercing me into sex acts I didn’t really want to do, calling me all sorts of terrible names, whatever. I knew I deserved it.

It led me into all my friendships and relationships from that point on. I wasn’t even conscious of it. Worthless Whore/Terrible Friend was my story. My identity. My secret shame.

Many years later I found myself in another clandestine affair with another friend’s husband. “Almost her ex,” I reasoned. This time he and I justified that it was revenge that drew us together. Really, it was my secret identity, “Worthless Whore/Terrible Friend,” just being herself.

One thing I know for sure: if you don’t love yourself you’re just dangerous, a dark force, destined to wreak havoc and pain in the Universe.

You reap what you sow. Was what I did that night when I was 13 so unforgivable to have multiplied a billion times over, as it did? Of course not. But, that wasn’t what I sowed. What I sowed was my identity, my story, my feeling as “Worthless Whore/Terrible Friend.” So that is what I reaped.

See, the thing is this: when you believe something about yourself and feel that way within yourself that is what you attract. If you believe, deep, within your inherent self that you are a worthless whore and terrible friend, as I did, then you will both behave like one and attract people who agree with you and treat you like one.

The miracle of this is that you can change your mind anytime. You can let go of any belief you want and choose to see yourself or anyone else a different way. You can grasp forgiveness and hang on for dear life — you only need as much faith as a mustard seed to do it — and then everything changes. You change your mind about who you are and you change who and what you attract into your life. It’s a beautiful order of the Universe with brilliant and universally fair power.

Oh your ego will throw tricks at you — justifications, victim-identities, really good reasons, illnesses, hurt feelings, tests, sheep in wolf’s clothing — that will make you feel desperate to hang onto a false identity that isn’t really true about you but feels like a snuggly pair of old pajamas because you’re so damn used to that old story that you’ve forgotten that story isn’t actually you. Hanging onto that story and that ego is causing you to attract what you don’t really want and this can go on for as long as you keep falling for the ego’s tricks. But, you can trick the ego back.

I just stare mine right in the face and say, “Bring it on!” or if it’s craving attention I just starve it.

I Release that which no longer serves me to make room to Receive that which does.

Someone didn’t like what I wrote on my blog the other day. So they wrote me a threatening letter. They threatened to expose me. They threatened to provide evidence that I have a past full of promiscuity, sexually questionable behavior and drug addiction and to tell everyone that I hold spiritual beliefs that don’t look good in print.

Allow me . . .

I was self-objectified when I was younger. Meaning, I believed my first boyfriend when he told me I was a good-for-nothing whore and that no man would want me for anything else. I acted accordingly. I was extremely sexually experimental and promiscuous. I wrote a freelance article for a pornographic magazine with a nude pictorial of myself from the Bunny Ranch (quite tasteful by today’s standards), I once answered an ad for an escort agency (though I pressed the panic button within the first 20 minutes) and I worked as an exotic dancer (in bra and panties) for about two weeks. I too have kissed a girl and I liked it, more than one. I was also intensely curious about how other women participated in professionally sexual activities and found visiting pornographic stores and strip clubs sexually stimulating and intriguing. At the time, I didn’t see anything wrong with this behavior. My perspective has changed. Luckily for me and my family I know now that I am not a good-for-nothing whore. Period. The Girl Revolution is not born out of my ivory tower, it’s born out of a prayer that other girls don’t have to sell themselves short, as I did.

I’ve been pretty open about this before but again, I was a drug addict. I went to rehab. I’ve haven’t used drugs since 2003. I used drugs recreationally through high school and college and my 20s. It got way out of hand after 9/11 and postpartum depression and I started popping Xanex like candy. I was in a constant state of terrible, debilitating anxiety. I tried a lot of different drugs. My first husband was a drug addict and most of the people I hung out with did drugs. I tried lots of drugs, I had a lot of access. I didn’t like most of the drugs I tried. Pot made me paranoid. I hated all speedy drugs. Xanex and pain killers were my thing. I did the usual shitty things that drug addicts do. I forged a prescription a doctor gave to my grandmother once. I got busted, came clean and repented. I had a serious back injury at the time and they took pity on me and didn’t prosecute. Sometimes I stole pills out of people’s bathrooms. Mostly I did prescription drugs that my doctors and dentists prescribed and sometimes I bummed them off my friends. I’ve got a family history of addiction. I’ve tried to quit smoking for 5 years and quit once again 3 months ago, along with alcohol. I prefer sobriety. I highly recommend it.

I believe in Law of Attraction and the Spiritual Laws of the Universe and I believe in God. This can sometimes be misinterpreted by those who don’t believe in what I believe, as all religious or spiritual beliefs can. Essentially, I believe the mind/body/spirit connection is so deeply intertwined that if your thoughts are out of order then your body will be too. I also believe that we came here to learn something. We’re spiritual beings in human suits. This planet is our University. I came to learn something. You came to learn something. My lessons aren’t necessarily your lessons. If you came here to work on forgiveness then some really heinous and seemingly unforgivably things may have happened to you — to help you learn how to forgive. I believe that anger and negative thoughts cause cancer and other illnesses. I also believe working through those feelings and letting them go can heal cancer and other illnesses. I believe I’m carrying an extra 40 pounds as protection. I believe I’ll lose that 40 pounds when I don’t feel I need the protection anymore. I believe I have hypothyroidism because I’m not expressing as much as my soul wants to. I believe as soon as I am expressing like I want to be, my thyroid will run smoothly. I believe that spiritual beings can come to this earth with negative thoughts or pain bodies, or at least a tendency toward negativity or sadness (think colic or childhood depression). I believe groups of people sometimes come to work out the same thing, religious groups for instance, and they go through things together to learn something together (think Jews in the Holocaust or Mormons’ trek across America) and generations of families repeat the same thing until someone, finally, works it out and learns the lesson they’ve all been trying to work out (think abuse cycles, poverty cycles or addiction cycles). I don’t have all the answers. I’m a seeker and every day I seek and learn something new that gives me a new perspective. If you believe something different, I respect that. But, I hold to my beliefs. I have made comments in trying to explain myself that can be taken out of context by those who have an interest in taking them out of context.

So, there you have it. Am I all excited that my clients, my husband, my brother, my mother, my daughter and my son are going to read this? I am not. But, this blog is my space where I work out my shit. My past is my past. I’m not going to be held hostage by my past or anyone who wants to use my past against me. At previous points in my life I have felt paralyzed by the once-terrifying thought that someone might find out about all the horrible mistakes I’ve made in my life. Now, I carry no shame. I am Tracee Sioux.

Since I had the babies and have been on a journey to get back to my optimal weight by improving my lifestyle, learning to love exercise and eating consciously and intuitively I’ve learned a lot about my body. Since getting a thyroid condition and gaining the weight back it has occurred to me that there are two things about weighing 125 pounds – my goal weight – that scare the crap out of me and which I have a bunch of left-over negative feelings about.

1. The way other women treated me when I was thin. In general, when I was thin, I made very few new female friends. Women would call me “intimidating.” They would often be downright mean to me. I had several coworkers and bosses who took such an instant, vicious disliking to me that they made my life a hell whenever I had to interact with them. Fat girls, especially one in particular, would be especially cruel to me saying backhanded things about how “if they looked like me they would be married to millionaires” or “their life would be perfect, so they didn’t know what my problem was, why I was having all these normal problems with men.” (hint: because much of the male population treats women like shit, all the more so if they are thin and pretty.) Often other women, especially my fat friend, would sleep with my boyfriend or have phone sex with my lover and use excuses like, “but I’m fat, you don’t know what it’s like, I feel so bad about my body, I had to prove that I could get him too.” Sadly, it took me far too many years to finally ditch said friend and leave her to her big fat excuses. Since gaining 30 pounds I find that women are 1,000 times nicer to me, they approach me, they ask me to lunch, they don’t refuse my own overtures of friendship. I guess I am less intimidating. They don’t feel it necessary to tell me they “hate me” for being thin. I have far more female friendships than I did when I was thin and I like it. It’s more fun for me. A part of me wonders if I will be sacrificing my approachability if I go back to being thin. I don’t think I’d be okay with that.

2. When I was thin men treated me like their plaything. Not all men. But enough to make me wary of going through it again. During my thin years I was flashed by a drive-by masterbater, a movie-theater masterbater sat next to me, raped by a supposed friend while I was asleep, sexually harassed at every job I ever had from blatant comments like “I want to do you in the snow” from a 40-year-old married dude when I was 16 (he was not fired when reported, but they did move him across the aisle – generous of them huh?) to being fondled by a dirty old man as a waitress for $3 tips (yeah, I took him to court and lost and it was humiliating), catcalled about every time I walked down the street, men tried to pick me up and offer me money for sex when was waiting for buses, fondled and molested at every straight dance club I ever walked into, stalked and kidnapped by a boyfriend I broke up with and knocked around by a boyfriend who could overpower me. I could go on. Most girls have an experience like this to share. But, this many? Whether or not this was directly related to me being thin, I associate this type of male attention with being thin, mainly because when I gained 30 pounds the behavior stopped. Men stopped giving me all their abusive attention. And it was a relief. A huge relief. I’m not anxious to go back to that treatment. I make jokes and tell my body, “Don’t worry dear, the wrinkles around your eyes and your laugh lines will serve the same purpose as the 30 pounds.” But, I don’t think my body believes me, so she hangs onto the extra 30 pounds no matter what I eat or how much exercise I do.

In order to be thin, I have to release my fear of being thin again and risk women hating me and men treating me like their entertainment. Am I ready?

Money Tree

2011 is quickly becoming a wisp of the past  . . . time to pull out your 2011 Dream Board and see what miracles major and minor happened for you and celebrate them. There’s still a few weeks to knock out a few goals if you hurry!

Last year I did something different. As 2010 closed, I noticed I had accomplished a lot of goals, but it didn’t leave me feeling as validated as I thought it would. So, I did an experiment in 2011. I made a Feelings Dream Board. Rather than goals, I put feelings I wanted to experience.

Unexpectedly, I got the feelings in the end — but, the road to them was rough and jagged. I had to deal with a whole bunch of bottled up, gnarled, rotten, curdled, stinky anger and fear from my past and figure out how to let go of them. I had to confront stuff in my present that I was sweeping under the rug because I didn’t want to see what I saw because then I would have to do something about it. Then I had to figure out what to do about it. There was no way around it. At times I didn’t think I was going to make it through. Of course I did. I always do. Only then did I feel the feelings I had set out to feel: happy, carefree, validated, etc.

This year I’m bridging 2011 and 2012 with a Prosperity Consciousness course at Whole Life Center for Spiritual Living  and I’m adding new principals to my practice of Dream Boarding.

Namely I’m writing a Vision Statement. I will then create a Dream Board as a visual representation of my Vision Statement.

I’m also choosing a word to focus on or represent my year. I’ve chosen “Release.” This was the word that was crucial to my 2011 year, but it felt so good that I’ve decided to continue with it. See, after the release of all the anger, the extreme purge of all the excess in my house, the purge of all my psychic clutter came a gift unexpected — room to Receive. So maybe I have two words – Release and Receive. Release that which no longer serves me and be open to Receive that which does. This practice came recommended by my Anasara Yoga Instructor, Staci. Your word will come to you and then it will come back to you over and over throughout the year, not without some challenges, so be prepared. It will peel itself for you like an onion sometimes and bloom for you like a flower by the end.

Vision Statement Rules 

• Write in the present tense only. “I am so happy and grateful that my body is healthy and functions perfectly and is at it’s optimal weight of 125 pounds.”
• Write very specifically. Tell the Universe exactly what you want, don’t leave it guessing. “I am so happy and grateful that in 2012 I make $50,000.” If you want to travel say where and with whom. “I love our trip to Mexico with my husband, it is so bonding and wonderful.”
• Cover all the basics: Mind, Body, Spirit; Money; Relationships (marriage, kids, family, friends, coworkers, mentors); Creativity; Career.
• Ask for what you want not what you think you can get.
• There has to be at least “the faith of a mustard seed.” If you say you’re going to make $3 million in 2012 and you currently make $30,000 you probably don’t even have the faith of a mustard seed that you’re going to get it. But, if you say you’re going to make $60,000 and you don’t know how you’re going to get it, but you probably know people who make that much and you probably can believe that it’s at least possible to make that much – that’s at least the faith of a mustard seed.
• Edit. Your Vision Statement is not set in stone like the Ten Commandments. Even God changed his mind and narrowed down what he wanted down to “Love One Another.” Once you reach your goal you’re free – obligated even – to expand your goal. You make the $50,000 then it’s time to up the ante to $100,000 or $300,000.
• Leave room for God to do better. At the end of your statement write “Or Better!” Remember God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself.
• Write only in the positive. You don’t want to write “Get out of debt,” because then you are focused on debt and what you focus on expands. You want to write “I am so happy and grateful that we are able to pay our bills in full as soon as they arrive.” Don’t write “Lose 30 pounds.” Write “I love to put on my size 6 Lucky Jeans, it makes me feel so hot and sexy!”
• Read your statement out loud morning and night. Memorize it. When you catch yourself repeating in your head, “God, I need to stop eating this, I’ll gain 20 pounds” Tell your self, “I love putting on my size 6 Lucky Jeans, it makes me feel sexy and hot.”
• Get clear about what you want. Sometimes you think you want something, but it’s not resonating with you. You’ve always wanted to live in New York, but you have kids and every time you think about selling the house and dealing with the NYC school system you feel anxiety. Time to reconsider and go inside and ask yourself: is this something I want or something I thought I wanted?
• God’s not going to make you give up your value system to get what you want. Make sure what you’re asking for is in alignment with your value system.
• Get a witness. Show it to someone you trust. Not someone who will scoff and say, “yeah right, like anyone will hire you without a degree in this economy.” Don’t show it to that cynical dickhead. Show it to someone who will say, “That sounds freaking awesome! I can’t wait to see you do it!” A five-year-old is the perfect witness, cause they know you can do anything. A ten-year-old will make your dream even bigger and show you where you’re still thinking small.

Reread it. If you asked for what you think you can get instead of what you really want – you did it wrong. Edit. Be bold.

Now you’re ready to make a visual representation of your Vision Statement in the form of your Dream Board. Have fun with it. It doesn’t have to be literal. It can be representational and subjective.

Do this with your kids. Faith is learned and takes practices. As does achieving goals and focusing on what you want. These skills take practice and the sooner they learn them the better. They will serve them for their entire lives. Believingis the essence of life.

There is something out there greater than ourselves, put stuff on your statement and your dream board that can’t happen without help from the Divine, from the Universe, from forces greater than yourself. Ask for miracles. Teach your kids to ask for miracles. Because is there anything more profoundly beautiful than the opportunity to witness them?

Somewhere out there I know there’s a mother or father who is feeling guilty this Christmas season. There are lots of reasons for feeling guilty around the holidays. “I can’t afford to buy my kids exactly what they want,” and “I bought my kids exactly what they want and I can’t afford it” are two of the most popular guiltfests.

As usual, I’m willing to expose myself and our way-of-life to make you feel better (whether it makes you feel rich or like at you have a sister frugal friend) and remember it’s not too late to return that ridiculously expensive X-Box 360.

This year, most of what my kids are getting is used. Actually, that’s true of every year. I can afford to get them more of what they want if I buy it on Craig’s List. Last year I scored a Nintendo Wii for $100!

Ainsley is getting: fabulous Columbia winter coat with matching gloves, $20; gorgeous lavender formal dress, $5; several books, all used; several pairs of really nice expensive brand shoes, all used; a brand new pair of boots, $20; a brand new pair of monkey pajamas and a very nice digital camera I got on Amazon’s Black Friday sale.

Zack is getting: an awesome new yellow and black bike, $25 used; a Ninendo DS w/ 3 games, used $55; several pairs of expensive brand shoes, all used; five pairs of Old Navy jeans, new $10 each; several books, all used; shirts and pants, used; and a brand new pair of monkey pajamas.

They will share the year’s worth of canvas and art paper I scored at Michael’s Black Friday Sale.

We could spend all our money on lavish gifts for our kids. But, we have other financial goals that we want to keep knocking out as 2011 closes and 2012 revs up: pay off our cars, eliminate credit card debt and save for a vacation. We’ve been there and done that and realized there’s no joy in Christmas if we’re still paying it off next September.

So, if it seems like everyone in the world is spending $1,000 on their kids this Christmas, except you. They aren’t.