Rihanna, 20-year-old music star, was beaten by her famous boyfriend Chris Brown. Evidently, it’s happened 4 times before and Rihanna asked the judge NOT order Chris Brown to stay away from her. Since the beating, its been said – and I heard this on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show so it might be true – that Rihanna and Chris Brown were in a studio yesterday recording a duet.
Oprah had this to say to Rihanna and other battered girls and women, Love doesn’t hurt. If he hit you once he will hit you again.
True that. But, what do we tell our kids? Kids who might actually look up to the singer and her boyfriend? Who previously fantasized in their bedrooms at night, “If only I could find a true love like Rihanna and Chris Brown.” Yeah, those kids are out there. Bad enough that he beat her. Worse that she’s staying.
First it’s important to understand why Rihanna would participate in this type of insanity.
Yes. She’s participating. Yes. It’s insanity.
She believes, as nearly all battered women and girlfriends do, that she has caused Chris Brown’s feelings. When Chris Brown feels in love and passionately lovey dovey and head-over-heels for her she believes it’s because she was good enough, pretty enough, nice enough, lovable enough, wonderful enough. That’s her goal. To make Chris Brown love her.
Our Love Culture teaches girls that they can change and control the feelings of men. We often believe we can make them love us.
How many times have we heard or said the phrase, You make me feel?
Belle ultimately changes the Beast by being beautiful and wonderful and clever enough to make him feel love. The whole fairy tale centers around the idea that Belle can change, and therefore control, the Beast’s feelings if she’s just good enough, pretty enough, loving enough, and wonderful enough.
The same distorted thinking is in the wildly popular Twilight Series. Bella the teenage protagonist of the books is so stunningly beautiful, clever and all-around wonderful that she makes vampire boyfriend Edward Cullin resist his natural temptation to destroy her, kill her and take her life. Throughout the books we’re transfixed, and even turned on and aroused by, imagery of Edward Cullin’s overwhelming desire to crush her fragile and delicate hot body, which is why the couple doesn’t cave into sex.
Which is all well and good. Except that we have a Love Culture where around 30% of teenage girls and adult women are being battered by their love interest.
The sane thing to do when a girl or woman gets hit is to say, F#$& You! on your way out the door, never, ever to return.
Instead the mental Love Distortion of Rihanna and nearly all other battered women and girls says, If I didn’t make him angry he wouldn’t hit me. If I did what he wanted me to do when he wanted me to do it, he wouldn’t hit me. If I just try harder I can change him from a beast into the loving boyfriend I imagine. If I’m just good enough, nice enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, then he’ll resist his entirely natural male urge to destroy, kill or berate me. I’ll just try harder and give him another chance.
Chris Brown agrees. Nearly all abusive men and boys agree with their beaten-up girlfriends and wives, she’s causing the violence because she’s making me angry.
The fundamental problem with Rihanna’s thinking is that women do not and can not control men’s feelings.
We never could.
We never can.
Ever.
Feelings originate with the person feeling them. They do not come from outside of us.
The only person who can control one’s violently angry feelings is the person feeling the violently angry feelings. For a batterer to stop beating his girlfriend or wife, he has to take responsibility for and learn to control his own feelings. For a battered woman or girl to leave her abuser she has to hold him responsible for his feelings and stop trying to change or control his feelings with her behavior.
This almost never happens while a couple stays together. Not never. But, almost never. In fact, what generally happens is that she becomes worse and worse at controlling his violently angry feelings and sometimes he kills her.
Why?
They both believe it’s her fault. They both believe she’s causing it. They would have to both agree that its his fault and hold him accountable for it to change. How often do two insane people reach a clarity of thinking at the same time, in the same relationship,when its already gotten to the point of physical violence? Almost never.
Which is why in many progressive and right-thinking states the court refuses to give battered women an option of not prosecuting or of having immediate contact with their abuser. They realize that the victim’s thinking is as distorted as that abuser.
There is not a lot we can do about Rihanna. She’s deep in Love Distortion, a form of insanity clinically referred to as Battered Woman Syndrome or Co-dependence. Hopefully, she’ll find her inner Tina Turner or Madonna and kick Chris Brown to the curb. (Ike who? Congratulations on your new Oscar Sean Penn.)
As parents, counselors, educators we do have a lot of power to teach both our daughters and our sons these fundamental lessons for prevention:
You are responsible for your feelings.
You are responsible for how you behave.
You can not control other people or their feelings.
Other people can not make you feel anything.
We can also use Rihanna and Chris Brown as a teachable moment by repeating Oprah’s advice to our girls – just in case they fall for the wrong guy: Love doesn’t hurt. If he hits you once he will hit you again.
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12 comments ↓
I’m confused about the Sean Penn comment! Please explain.
Back in the ’80s Sean Penn beat Madonna when they were married. He was arrested. They divorced. But, not immediately. They got back together after he was arrested for wife battery. Divorced later.
I had an entire course on this awful phenomenon in college and you’re right about the “he’ll kill her” part, but another thing is that women end up killing their partner when they finally reach the end of their rope and it’s down to him or me. A large portion of jailed women are there because they have killed their boyfriend/spouse after many years of abuse.
The fact that Rihanna continues to go back to him in a national media spotlight is very upsetting. But as parents, we can help raise our girls with high self-esteem and get them some good self defense training too. My almost eight year old has had almost five years of karate and is now moving to jujitsu. I plan on meeting her future boyfriends at the door in my karate gi.
Black Belt Mama’s last blog post..Our Family Is Becoming MMA
Peter Martins beat his wife. And she stayed. I just don’t get it.
I understand the psychology behind this. I used to work in an organization that helped abused women leave. This post is so important, but before we as older women help young women see, we have to understand ourselves. We have to stop blaming the victim.
oh, thank you for the good work that you do!
conversemomma’s last blog post..Denouncement
I don’t think I agree about the Edward Cullen comparison. I read the Twilight series and many times during, thought to myself ‘Bella is a pretty good role model..strong, independent, brave, chaste – until Edward comes along (but come on, how many virgin 17 yr olds do we have out there?), she’s responsible, she’s not a follower – she’d rather be her own person than part of the pack. She’s smart and proud of it – loves to read.
I also like that Edward was attracted to these unique traits. He didn’t go for the girls that all looked alike, acted alike, etc. The series is a great illistration of the points we try to impress upon teenage girls: be yourself, don’t hide your intelligence, make your own choices, analyze – don’t just blindly follow, don’t sleep around, don’t settle for boys you ‘kinda’ like, you’re okay alone, don’t try to be like others. I think it wants girls to get that if you do these things – hang onto yourself, even if you’re not popular, the RIGHT person will come along and will love you for you.
I completely agree about everything else in the post. Even though I haven’t been there – I understand the reasons of girls like Rihanna. We all continue unhealthy habits – we punish ourselves, we settle, we protect others more than ourselves, we blame ourselves for things we can’t change..I get it. Sad, but I get it.
The author of Twilight used imagery of Edward’s “perfectly natural” desire to commit physical and mortal violence against his love-interest Bella to titillate her audience. Her audience is teenage girls trying to define what love is.
I’m sure Rihanna believes her situation to be quite dramatically romantic. The violent imagery of Twilight plays into why a girl would think such violent drama is “romantic.”
Tracee Sioux’s last blog post..Better Dead Than Red
It’s perfectly natural because he’s a vampire.
that girl’s last blog post..Boy-oy-oy-oy-oy-oING!!!!!!!!!
[...] it is and how it can be appropriately expressed as a way to protect them from sexual predators, bad boyfriends, battering husbands and also just your general run-of-the-mill selfish [...]
I really like this blog and i like your article. It’s really important for girl to realise this thing.
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