My extended family likes a good practical joke especially, one that involves fear and a few screaming children.

Poor Ainsley still won’t walk down my Grandmother’s hall because of the time her Great Uncle Nelson jumped out of the closet screaming when she was three. She was terrified.

When Uncle Nelson made his annual pilgrimage to Texas this weekend my daughter was afraid to go on the traditional night-time hayride after the scrumptious chili.

“I’m not going on the hayride,” she declared. “Last time Nathan jumped out of the bushes with firecrackers and scared us!”

“You’re going. It will be fun,” I told her.

She shared a hay bail with me on the back of the trailer.

“Listen everything they say on this hayride is a lie,” I told her. “Don’t believe any of it.”

Minutes later . . . .

“I just saw a bobcat,” shout a few cousins.

“Don’t believe it,” I told her. “Besides a bob cat is like a baby kitten, not scary at all. They’re afraid of people.”

Driving by The Shirley’s place we were chased by a pack of vicious dogs, that was a little scary, but they stopped as soon as the trailer made it passed their territory.

Just in view of the house, about to breath a sigh of relief, Great Uncle Nelson starts up a story:

When I was a kid, my Uncle Don told us he saw this thing out here. It was huge, bigger than a man and really hairy. He said it could leap from one side of this road to another like a Kangaroo.

He called it a Sasquatchian. Look there he is!!!!! It’s Big Foot!

We turned toward the woods and there was a Giant Black Gorilla.

Ainsley became hysterical, crying that she was scared.

We immediately knew my cousin Bonnie’s husband was the one missing and therefore had to be in the Gorilla suit.

“It’s just Barry,” I told her. I took her face in my hands and told her to look at me, “It’s just Barry in a Gorilla suit. Barry isn’t scary. It isn’t real. It’s a joke.”

My husband, Jeremy, tried to calm her, but she would not be calmed. She was carried away in a fit of fear. Zack was paralyzed with silent fear. Ainsley was just screaming and crying.

Suddenly, my husband got up, leapt out of the trailer and charged Big Foot.

Big Foot Barry wasn’t expecting a real confrontation. He turned around and blindly hightailed it for the woods.

Jeremy tackled the giant Sasquatch to the ground.

Bam! They hit the narrow oil top road.

Ainsley, Open your eyes! Quick! You gotta see this! Daddy’s beating up Big Foot! He tackled him to the ground, he’s punching him and kicking him! Daddy’s protecting you from a giant Sasquatch! What a hero!

Ainsley opened her eyes long enough to catch a glimpse of her Daddy kicking Big Foot in the stomach and in final defeat Sasquatch lay on the ground, unmoving – dead.

Daddy brought the giant Gorilla head back as a trophy.

I hope Ainsley never forgets her Daddy is willing to attack the Sasquatch from Sascatuan for her.

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Ainsley fell in love with Michael Jackson – his dance moves, his music, his celebrity and fame – when she was mass-exposed to his art on television, print and radio media when he passed away. Please see Michael Jackson & Plastic Surgery.

We’ve been watching Cake Boss, Cake Off and Ace of Cakes as a family. Ainsley decided she had to have a Michael Jackson Cake for her 8th birthday. We spend hours surfing the net for a perfect photo to use as a frosting picture. I found someone on ebay who would ship us an edible photo.

We special ordered a hand cookie cutter, music note cookie cutters and dragees (the little candy silver balls) and fondant. Michael Jackson’s infamous glove is my favorite part of the design. The edible frosting photo is a close second. We used some tongs and a cup to make the microphone. The planning is as fun for Ainsley as the party.

It took two entire days to make this Michael Jackson cake. The first day we baked the cakes and cookies. The second day we frosted and decorated. We licked spatulas, spoons, bowls and mixer utensils galore. Everyone knows cake batter and cookie dough tastes infinitely better than the cooked product.

It’s black, It’s white. Oooooh!

Of course, she asked for a poster of Michael Jackson.

She was thrilled to receive a 1992 Michael Jackson Michael Jackson: Live in Bucharest: The Dangerous Tour.

My in-laws sat through the whole thing. Because they love her. Also, they are Clown Missionaries, so who are they to judge? (Yes, I said Clown Missionaries, visit their website, Beyond Ourselves to find out more.)

I have sat though the whole concert once and danced through the whole thing twice more – because Family Dance Party is both fun and great exercise.

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Dorothy had Toto.

Annie had Sandy.

Ainsley has Lily.

Meet Lily. Our newest Empowered Girl.

We adopted this little terrier last week from our neighbor. My children already knew and loved this dog.

This dog came with her own jewelry box. Seriously. She has several different blinged out collars, a Bratz bed, heart-shaped food bowl, various jeweled charms and a very fashionable purse/dog carrier.

Ainsley is just eating this genderization of dogs right up.

Daddy had always said NO to a dog. But, Ainsley put a dog on her dream board. Now, it’s “yes, but only outside.”

I hope our children learn a lot about love and responsibility from Lily.

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Ainsley was my hero on Saturday night.

So, I’ll tell you about our really cool $33 birthday party for Ainsley tomorrow.

Jeremy was out and I was having a snugglefest and popcorn night on the couch with the kids. Pure bliss. We had just watched a reptile show on PBS and Zack was drowsy in my arms and I was carrying him to bed.

Is that a belt? A black rope? A scarf? An electrical cord?

It’s a SNAKE!

IN MY HOUSE!

I ran to the other side of my Thank God it’s 30 feet long living room! And Ainsley ran over to join me on top of a green vinyl wagon wheel chair in the corner.

Let’s get out of here, Ainsley said.

Okay. Wait. If we leave we won’t know where it is. I have to watch it or there will be a lose snake in the house.

I’m scared Mommy.

Where’s my phone? I don’t know where my phone is.

What are we going to do?

Go across the street and get that guy to come and kill it.

I don’t know him. It’s dark. I’m scared to go knock on his door. What will I say? Can’t I go to Victoria’s and get her dad?

OK. Go to Victoria’s. Ask him to come kill it. The hoe is in the garage, I can’t go get it. Tell him to bring a hoe.

And in her nightgown, in the dead of night, Ainsley hopped on her bike and rode as fast as she could down the block.

There’s a snake in our house! Get your dad to come kill it! she screamed over sobs.

As he hacked away at the black snake – which was fighting back and striking at his ankles – I fought back my own hysteria to calm my 7-year-old daughter down.

We’re okay, Ainsley. I want you to look in my eyes and take a deep breath. In two- three. Out – two – three.

Finally, the head of the snake snapped and the body of it writhed separately. Yes, it lived briefly after it was decapitated. My neighbor was kind enough to take it with him.

Thank you so much kind neighbor for killing the snake in my house. Ainsley’s been calling him our “savior.”

All of us huddled fearfully in my bed.

I had to take 3 sleeping pills and had one of those dreams where you’re screaming and no one can hear you. I jerked awake every time one of the kids touched me.

Ainsley’s my hero. She thought out loud and problem solved and kept her cool while she went and got help. She was even able to sleep.

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It’s been my pleasure to share Ainsley, Perfect You with The Girl Revolution readers.

You may have different ideas about religion or God or the nature of the Universe. You may have alternative views about education. Your child will have different attributes and characteristics, and your worries about your children and their development may be different from my own.

Still, with editing and creativity you can make a book for your own child that will counter the onslaught of negative media and marketing our kids face today.

you have plenty of time to create a book of your own for Christmas using your favorite digital photo website like Mypublisher.com.

Sign up for the The Girl Revolution RSS Feed and bookmark this website so you don’t miss more great tools to empower girls.

We’ll be discussing some difficult and complex issues shortly, as I’ve recently finished So Sexy So Soon, the new book about why our kids’ media has suddenly become so inappropriately hyper-sexual. I’ve also interviewed Rosalind Chait Barnett, PhD a nationally recognized expert on the impact of gender on work, school and other environments, and Emily J. Martin, a principal in an American Civil Liberties Union lawsuit charging same-sex public schools with discrimination.

Please leave comments so I know you’re out there. I often wonder what everyone else thinks and comments are the only real indication I have of who you are and what you believe. What you think is important to me. I don’t have all the answers. I have some ideas and a lot of questions.

Here’s the rest of Ainsley, Perfect You:

Steal This Christmas Gift Please, Pro-Girl Book Part 1

Pro-Girl Book Part 2

Pro-Girl Book Part 3

Pro-Girl Book Part 4

Pro-Girl Book Part 5

Pro-Girl Book Part 6

Pro-Girl Book Part 7

Pro-Girl Book Part 8

Pro-Girl Book Part 9

Pro-Girl Book Part 10

Pro-Girl Book Part 11

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