A new study involving the feelings habits of 2,000 children and teenagers was conducted by the University of Missouri that found that boys and men find talking about their feelings a completely unproductive waste of time.

Previously, prior to my actually having a son, I would have argued, like many currently are on the Internet, that this is a “learned behavior” and that we need to do a better job creating a safer environment for our sons to safely discuss their feelings.

Now, five years into parenting a perfectly normal, loving and affectionate son, I kinda think that all that “hating to talk about their feelings” that I’ve experienced in my brothers, father, boyfriends, male friends, coworkers, bosses is just somehow built into their DNA. Some more extreme than others, with those on Autism and Aspergers spectrum on one extreme and a sensitive metrosexual in touch with his feminine side on the other extreme.

When we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys responses suggest that they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity, states the press release.

Not only do males think talking about their feelings is a complete waste of time, they think talking about OUR feelings is a complete waste of time, not to mention irritating, annoying and a total buzz kill, judging from my personal experience.

Girls, on the other hand, the study found, find incessantly talking about their feelings to be endlessly fascinating. But, is it really productive?

I’ve started to wonder this myself, as my daughter has lately sought more and more attention from her negative feelings, wanting me to care deeply about this complaint and that complaint, wanting me to put so much energy in things I really think she should learn to let go. I’ve often told her that people who focus so much on these types of feelings, never find happiness and gratitude. I’ve even made her do chores like clean the bathrooms for expressing her feelings (read: incessant complaining) so continuously that it starts to ruin my day.

The study supports what I had begun to suspect.

Many girls are at risk for excessive problem talk, which is linked with depression and anxiety, so girls should know that talking about problems isn’t the only way to cope.

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My name is Kevin and I’m 17 years old. I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago. We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed. She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

My response:

I don’t know Kevin. It’s mystery to me as well, why girls can’t just love what they’ve got? I, personally, have always striven for an hour-glass figure. But, I’m not in your generation.

Evolutionarily, scientists use the hip to waist ratio as a measurement of beauty and attractiveness. Hour-glass is the evolutionary ideal.

Perhaps, though you misread why she was offended. It’s possible – and I wasn’t there, so I can only guess – that she wanted your focus and interest to be on her self, the whole package - brains, personality, mutual interests, shared values, and body – rather than on the shape of her bod or her physical appearance. Especially, so soon in your interaction.

Next time, save the hot body comments for a more intimate moment, when you know each other better and she’s sure you’re not just in it for her shapeliness.  Focus on a new girl as a three-dimensional and interesting person, a friend you share things in common with. What did you discover about this girl in the 30 minutes you chatted? Did you both enjoy history or love to watch Sci-Fi films or enjoy the same literature? Were you both going to the same college, or have a similar family background or religious affiliation? Do you both love to swim, golf or fish?

Focus on those things next time.  Ask a girl out on a date, doing something of mutual interest, and you most likely won’t get slapped in the face.

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I substituted Kindergarten for 2 days.

On both days I had lunch duty.

No wonder kids are obese. School lunch is an unhealthy mixture of sweets and low-quality carbohydrates.

On one day the 5-year-olds were served TWO hamburgers with white bread buns, french fries and a cookie, one stale slice of tomato, one strip of iceberg lettuce, and two small slices of pear.

The next lunch was a greasy pizza slice, tater tots, a cookie and peaches in sugar syrup.

On what planet is that a healthy diet for a small human?

Pack a lunch.

Kindergarten girls are cute and sweet when they are singing, “I kissed a girl and I liked it . . tastes like cherry chap stick,” while they cut and paste.

It’s a good song. Of course, she doesn’t know what she meant and I wasn’t going to enlighten her.

Sometimes ignorance IS bliss.

There is a huge variation in intellect, knowledge and ability among Kindergartners. It only takes about an hour to determine which is which and who is who.

There is an obvious correlation between the intellect, knowledge and ability and the child’s poverty level and parental involvement. How can you tell? Spend five minutes with a pack of Kindergartners and you know.

It’s doubtful whether standardized testing or increased funding have a shot at correcting the fundamental problem of disparity.

You have the best shot if you win the Parent Lottery.

What’s with the teeth? It’s not expensive to tackle a toddler and run a toothbrush over their little baby choppers. You would presume its much more expensive to visit the dentist and pay $150-$300 per tooth for putting silver fillings and caps on every single tooth.

It’s a mouthful of paradox.

Girls are natural-born leaders. The more time I spend with young children and young teens, the more I believe that if it were not for historically keeping women and girls down with brute force, rape and emotional manipulations like, “God wants you to submit to men, it’s in the Bible,” women would be the natural leaders of the Planet Earth.

Girls are compassionate leaders who don’t want to leave anyone behind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a girl zip through her work and lean over and help a slower child with their work. She’ll help them cut, explain the directions again, and patiently supply them with the answer.

Today’s American girl is lucky.

Boys are sweet. It’s hard not to love them. Of course they have a hard time sitting still. Who doesn’t?

There should be more movement in school.

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In The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World, Anthony Rao, Ph.D. cautions parents and educators to stop treating young boyhood as an illness.

One of the interesting things Rao says is that young boys do not naturally like eye contact.

I mentioned this at a party and a young man said, “It’s confrontational.”

Which is exactly what Rao says too. He says the males of our species are similar to other fight or flight mammals, like dogs, where direct eye contact is a direct challenge, an invitation to confrontation.

Rao says this is true for even very young infants.

Girls, he says, will soak up eye contact as intimacy and communication from their earliest moments.

Boys, naturally, will look away, take glimpses and rely heavily on peripheral vision. Often this makes teachers and parents believe boys aren’t listening to them. Often “no eye contact” is confused with a symptom of Asbergers or Autism, he says. This is simply the natural way of boys he said. Forcing a boy to make eye contact will feel emotionally terrible to them. They can work on improving how much eye contact they make, but they experience an inherent discomfort when making prolonged eye contact.

The eye contact has been a noticeable difference in my own two children. As I assume most parents have, I’ve gone through the checklist of symptoms and warnings for autism and thought, “well, he doesn’t make a lot of eye contact.”

I’ve been doing a little experiment to see how men, in general, respond to eye contact.

They look to the left, look to the right, look at the wall, look down at their papers, stare off into space, back up, blink and a few have actually spoken to me with their eyes completely closed.

Try it. It’s fascinating.

More about The Way of Boys.

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In The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World, Anthony Rao, Ph.D. cautions parents and educators to stop treating young boyhood as an illness.

Dr. Rao has spent 20 years working with young boys. Most boys he words works with are  in need of intervention in some way. Some of his clients are getting in trouble for emotional outbursts, others are being recommended for medication because they can’t stand sitting still for eight hours a day, others are in trouble for bullying or throwing  tantrums, some are too bright and have conflicts with teachers.

Dr. Rao, in nearly every case in the book, recommends social conditioning over medication.

Rao is obviously deeply concerned that boys are being labeled and medicated at alarming rates for what he believes is normal boyish behavior. ADD, ADHD, Manic-Depression, Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorders like Aspergers are often misdiagnosed and quickly medicated for normal boy development.

• Can’t sit still
• No eye contact
• Fidgeting
• Lack of Empathy
• Slow Language Development
• Doesn’t Want to Talk
• Aggression
• Lack of Focus
• Emotional Meltdowns

These are all symptoms of normal development in boys, rather than symptoms of some diagnosable condition in need of medication.

He strongly cautions against going along with one professional or quasi-professional’s opinion after seeing a child once or twice or basing a diagnosis on school records. He calls a doctor or therapist writing a prescription for medication right away, without attempting a course of behavior modification therapy first, a Red Flag.

In most instances, Dr. Rao cautions against authority-defeating and child-defeating punishment like withholding recess and physical activity because a child won’t sit still and can’t seem to focus.

Of course, boys can’t focus, he tells readers. They have to run their energy off, boys are naturally and inherently physically active and boys focus and learn better if they are given ample opportunity to run wild and explore.

News Flash: No normal person – boy or girl, male or female – wants to sit still eight hours a day. There is something wrong with the person who does want that for themselves, their students or their children.

Rao even walks parents through dealing with a school system bent on disciplining or medicating their sons, explaining carefully how to deal with school officials, counselors and teachers. He carefully points out what parents should say, how they should behave and what rights they have to protect their children.

Rao convinces parents to view their boys as a work in progress and insists that whatever behavior your child is exhibiting right now, they will be very different in six months. He strongly urges a “wait and see” approach to most problems. Early testing for Autism seems to be the singular instance in which Rao recommends early testing, because early intervention has proven so effective.

Rao convincingly shows parents that while a teacher might point to a tendency to line up and sort objects as “Asbergery,” its more likely a sign that your son will grow up to be an engineer. While a teacher might find your child disruptive and fidgety, it is more likely a sign that your child might be a fabulous athlete than that he has ADHD. An early developmental lag might point to a strength that will truly shine in higher grade levels when the focus shifts.

Sometimes medication is useful for older boys, Rao says, but only if the following conditions are present: the problem persists over time, in every situation or condition, and if it is greatly interfering with your child’s life and development.

I found this book to be an interesting examination of the male psyche.

“I don’t wanna talk,” my three-year-old son, Zack tells me when I ask him how his day was at school. Just like your dad, I think.

As frustrating as hearing “I don’t wanna talk” has been for females, evidently, that’s completely normal for the males of our species.

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