I don’t want my child to ever feel . . .

. . . bullied.

. .  . unloved.

. . . like they have to ______.

. . . ugly.

. . . not good enough to ______. 

. . . left out. 

. . . sexualized. 

. . . objectified. 

. . . scared.

. . . bad about his/her body.

. . . _________. 

Fill in that blank with whatever you don’t want your child to ever feel. You know that thing that you are willing to start foundations over and blog about and go to the principal over. You know that thing that makes your guts hurt when you contemplate the idea of them feeling that. Most likely, it’s that thing that you felt and didn’t want to feel, and then blamed your parents for not “making” you feel something different.

Okay, so here’s what you do to ensure that your kid never feels that:

. . . sorry.

Take a deep breath and accept that this—preventing your child from experiencing feelings and having experiences—is not your job. It’s not even in your power, whether you believe it to be your job or not.

Take another deep breath and accept that your phenomenal parental powers do not extend into one sacred place—your child’s feelings.

Instead, we can  . . .

. . . listen to their feelings.

. . . validate their feelings.

. . . suggest that their feelings are not the only available feeling-choice they could be making.

. . . help them process and navigate their feelings.

. . . attempt to give them tools to handle their feelings.

. . . hold them responsible for their behavior in the midst of their feelings, thereby helping them to learn to have power over their feelings.

. . . model being in control of and handling our own feelings in the face of whatever it is we’re experiencing.

It might suck to be this powerless over our children, who we love so much. It may hurt to watch them hurt. It may feels like there is something we should be able to do. But, our powers are limited.

Every person, whether two or 90 has to govern their own internal experience. It’s part of being human.

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Procrastination has turned out to be one of my greatest gifts.

You would not believe how much amazing stuff I get done because I — for some reason — do. not. want. to. finish. my. book.

Why? I can’t even answer this question. Honestly, I can’t. Is it fear of success? It it fear of failure? Is it the idea that putting it out there will somehow lock me in to an opinion that I may not hold forever?

I wrote the book three years ago. I have had 12 people edit it. I have had professionals tell me it’s good. I’ve re-edited it and re-written it. I need to re-edit and re-write it again. But, the idea of it makes me want to get wildly drunk. And since I always feel like shit after I do that. . .

I think of something else to do. Now, I’m a productive person. I enjoy knocking things off my list. I like looking back at my day and being able to say, “I got this and this and that done.” This rules out sitting on the couch and watching TV instead of writing the book. Which means I have to look around and invent productive things to do.

I have cleaned out my garage, my basement, written tons of articles and sent loads of query letters. Hell, to be honest I’ve built an entire writing business all because I didn’t want to finish that stupid book. I built and crashed an entire skincare company because I didn’t want to touch this book.

I’ve also spent quite a lot of time and energy exploring my inner spiritual life, in part, because it’s easier to talk about why I’m not finishing this book than it is to actually just sit down and finish the book.

My house is clean, I’m making a living, I’ve met a bunch of people on Facebook (which really has turned into more work), cleared some space in my spiritual and emotional life, built this blog and done a bunch of other stuff too. All so I could procrastinate this book.

Without procrastination I never would have gotten so much accomplished.

Buy the book I did actually publish please, Love Distortion: Belle, Battered Codependent and Other Love Stories. 

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This evening at 6 pm Mountain The Girl Revolution will be appearing on Holy Hormones Honey radio show on KRFC.

Holy Hormones host Leslie Botha is a hormone and menstrual health educator, author and radio show host. She is a leading expert on women’s hormone issues from first menses to menopause and everything in between.

We will be discussing my book Love Distortion: Belle, Battered Codependent and Other Love Stories. We will also discuss ways to create a warm and loving environment for girls, welcoming first menses by creating ritual and celebration, marking this wonderful right of passage. Regardless of how old your daughter is when she experiences crossing over this first threshold of womanhood, mothers and fathers can create a positive experience for their daughters.

Listen up folks!

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Love Distortion: Belle, Battered Codependent and Other Love Stories is being offered right now on Amazon’s Kindle for FREEEEEEEE!!!

That’s right. I want to gift a copy of my book to you for free!

AND you can share it with your friends for free!

I only ask one thing. Please leave a review on Amazon.

Now go! Go get your copy! Quick!

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I’ve been reflecting on marriage lately.

I have many friends who have chosen not to get married. They have been in marriage relationships that have all the fixin’s of a “real” marriage, but they have not held a ceremony or signed any legal documents. They don’t want to be “defined by the marriage” or they don’t want to make such a serious commitment with this particular person.

They don’t want to get so invested that they’ll get hurt is closer to the truth.

Like this woman who wrote All the Single Ladies, which tries to make romance and marriage academic. What she is really doing, in my opinion, is waiting to put herself out there for some promise of perfection, a guaranty that things won’t go wrong or some ideal man who will “be her equal in every way.” Which, because relationships are between fallible and ever-changing humans, does not exist whether you marry someone or just shack up with them or just date them indefinately. Not choosing is choosing by default.

The funny thing is that as the years pass you do become invested with this other person. If, of course, you have the emotional guts to get involved with another human being for any duration. You do become financially and emotionally invested. If you have children then you are inextricably tied to the other person. Whether male or female you end up being in some way, whether emotionally or financially, dependent on your partner whether you marry them or not. To think you won’t is self-delusion.

Marriages and pseudo-marriages don’t always work out. As I witness marriages and pseudo-marriages dissolve some realities strike me.

Those in pseudo-mariages are just as hurt and equally angry. They have to start over and redefine their lives in the exact same way as those with legit marriages. The grief cycle is identical. The attachments they shared with the partner, the compromising, the sacrificing, the dependency are mirror images of legal marriages. If they have children, the children are impacted by both dissolutions of the partnership in very similar ways. In other words, not marrying and not making “the commitment” did nothing to shelter them emotionally.

The difference, from what I can tell, is that with the legal document there is economic protection. Those who didn’t marry, but invested in their significant relationship for over 10 years, did not accrue their partner’s social security points while they took time off to raise children. If their partner chose to take back property given them for birthdays and anniversaries, there is little recourse. Property acquired during the marriage is not “communal property,” but divided up randomly, usually without the protection of the court. If there are children shared, the custodial partner may qualify for child support, but spousal support is non-existent even if they were financially dependent.

This is on top of the years spent in the relationship where they might have gotten insurance benefits and marriage tax credits from being married. They didn’t get the marriage points on their car and home insurance. If their partner dies property, bank accounts, investments and life insurance don’t automatically revert to them as the surviving spouse.

Gay people, for instance, though they do not have access to the legal protection, do not have any immunity to being entangled in the other partner’s life in every way. Nor are they exempt from the emotional trauma of a break-up or death of a partner. If for no other reason, this should be enough to allow them the legal protection that marriage provides.

Certainly not every relationship is marriage-worthy. But, in my assessment it’s simply a good financial gamble as long as women take measures to protect themselves.

The only way to protect yourself from any emotional wounds at all is to wrap yourself in a cocoon and refuse to participate in any and all relationship commitments. But, if you choose that you also insulate yourself from intimacy. No Risk = No Reward. To me, even if it doesn’t end in Happily Ever After, it’s a bold and radical act to jump into the deep end in a relationship and give it your all.

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