I still, after 10.5 years of mothering, can’t figure out which kind of mother I want to brand myself. I’m referring to arguments for, or against, attachment parenting, natural parenting, or Tiger Mothering. But, since everyone appears determined to follow someone’s parenting philosophy, I’m going to brand one myself, in honor of Mother’s Day 2012.

I’m going to call my brand The Girl Revolution Exceptional Mothering™, or simply Exceptional Mothering™, for short, TGREM™. To label yourself an Exceptional Mother™, or TGREM™, here are the 10 strict rules to which you must adhere, debate, convert and evangelize:

• Love Your Kids.
• Teach What You Know.
• Make Intuitive Parenting Decisions.
• Banish Guilt.
• Be an Authentic Woman/Person.
• Have Fun.
• Leave the Other Mothers Alone, (especially the ones who make different choices).
• Grow Good Humans.
• Apologize When Necessary.
• Do Better Every Day.

If you follow these 10 simple rules of TGREM™ you are guaranteed happy children, a peaceful mothering experience, and a loving bond with secure humans who will succeed in adulthood. When you follow the Exceptional Mothering™ parenting philosophy, you will make people who will grow up to have fulfilling careers and promising love lives. Or promising careers and fulfilling love lives, whatever. And when they are teenagers they’ll always speak respectfully. And they will listen to your advice about sex and using a condom or waiting until marriage. And they’ll never do drugs or smoke cigarrettes. Or be mean girls or bullies. Or feel unloved. And they will never, ever turn on you and scream “I HATE YOU!” when you tell them they can’t go somewhere or when you make them clean the bathroom. And they won’t have eating disorders: neither starving, barfing, or binging. Or marry people who are mean to them. Or date boys who don’t call them back. And they’ll never get divorced.

OK. You got me. I can’t guarantee any of that. But, then neither can any other parenting method. At least The Girl Revolution Exceptional Mothering™ philosophy’s strict rules cut a mother a break.

By leaving a comment, Liking or Sharing this post on Facebook, or retweeting it, you too are committing to being an Exceptional Mother™ and you agree to follow the 10 simple rules of TGREM™. Happy Mother’s Day all you Exceptional Mothers™! Don’t forget to convert your friends!

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Very Public Exposure

Ainsley and I were in the New York Times Magazine on Friday. It was risky and scary, though important, because the topic was early puberty. TGR Body, our craptastic-ingredient-free skincare line (many skincare products are thought to have toxins that interfere with hormones), and The Girl Revolution were both highlighted.

You know I’ve researched the issue and shared the information here, but I’ve not discussed our personal experience. We considered the decision carefully — Ainsley, myself and her dad — and we felt that discussing it in public would be useful for other parents and girls. And it has been. The writer, Elizabeth Weil, has two girls of similar age to Ainsley and vowed to present us in a positive light, unembarassing, not humiliating. I thank her for keeping her word. I’ve received several emails of support, other parents and girls sharing their own experiences; thank you notes for being brave and helping them understand what’s happening with their daughters; making them feel less alone.

We chose not to have Ainsley’s face appear in the photographs because we couldn’t really determine the consequences of that.

Shame & Causes

I also felt that choosing not to talk about it added some sort of shame to early puberty, as if we had done something wrong to, as you hear constantly “allow girls to grow up too fast.” Well, we’re not ashamed and we shouldn’t be. We didn’t do anything to cause it. We didn’t neglect to do anything that caused it. We didn’t do a damn thing to “make our girls grow up too fast.”

It might be the hormones in meat and milk, it might be pesticides, it might be flame retardants, it might be the plastic Playtex insert baby bottles we microwaved when she was a baby, it might be eating more protein than our ancestors, it could be anything. Or it’s possible that it is none of these things.

It might even be evolution in action right before our very eyes. The world is on fast forward with our explosion of technology, maybe evolutionarily there is a very important reason for developing faster as a species that we simply don’t understand yet. Everything is happening faster for them, we expect more of them. Ainsley is already doing math that we weren’t expected to know until the 7th grade. They blog and learn PowerPoint in elementary school. These girls have not become adults and while we may be afraid of the consequences of early puberty, we don’t know the outcome yet. It’s not only happening to girls, it’s happening to boys as well. It’s not happening only in the United States where many of the suspected causes are more prevalent, it’s happening all over the world (Hindustan Times article). It’s at least possible that it is not harmful, but helpful in some way.

Either way, it is what it is, we’re not likely to stop it, at least not before this crop of girls develop into teenagers. The only thing to do is accept it, and dare I say, even embrace it.

New Developments

Since last year Ainsley has continued to mature. But, it hasn’t been as emotionally or developmentally disastrous as I had feared. In fact, the girls in her class discuss their “stages of development” very openly. They trust The Care and Keeping of You by American Girl as the Bible of Puberty. As it turns out Ainsley is #7 out of 10, not # 1, in getting a bra in her 4th grade class. It was one of the best days of her life. Getting a bra is a badge of honor with the girls debating the best colors to get (tan) and the best places to buy them (Target). Girls appear to be discussing their developmental stages openly with their parents (someone had to buy them a bra). They shave their armpits, and sometimes legs, as a matter of course and are even excited about it.

Juxtapose this to the many stories you hear from women about their first menses: no one told me it was coming and I thought I was dying; I didn’t tell my mom for three days; she saw the laundry and finally explained it to me; it felt shameful to me and no one ever talked about it; my mother called it a curse and told me it would be horrible; etc. You’ve heard the stories and maybe it’s your story. Things feel different now. Parents who went through those experiences and didn’t enjoy them are communicating with their daughters about the experience of development and puberty. Girls, in general, know about and don’t fear their periods or getting breasts. Rather than weird clinical books with bizarre diagrams, they are given fun books like The Care and Keeping of You, replacing Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret (we must, we must, we must increase our bust!).

Sacred & Powerful Gift

If you’ve ever read The Red Tent, (and if you haven’t you should) you know that once upon a time, for thousands of years, a woman’s first menses was a celebratory and sacred, holy, exciting event. Women held rituals to initiate a woman in her various stages of development — from menses to birth to menopause — Girl, Maiden, Mother, Crone. I’d like to see that tradition resurrected. As I mentioned in New York Times Magazine I do intend to throw a party. Even if it’s just a party of her and I — a nice dinner and the Chocolate Cafe and maybe a piece of commemorative jewelry. Or a women’s circle ritual with our girlfriends at my friend Anna’s Women’s Sacred Way studio. I’m all prepared for her first period with a Red Goddess Celebration Box, filled with essential oils, eye pillows, letters from her grandmothers, etc. I have panty liners stashed away, just in case. I’d like to share an experience different from a tampon or douche commercial. I’d love to share an experience of menstruation as a sacred gift able to produce life, a source of power. (For more on the power of our cycles read Red Moon and The Optimized Woman: If You Want to Get Ahead Get a Cycle.) When I go to the bathroom to cry, it will likely be bitter-sweet, a mixture of joy and of saying good-bye to the baby stages of my little girl —  knowing that precious, tender time will vanish from our lives forever. I imagine that’s what mothers have done for eons.

Puberty, whenever it comes, is not tragic. It’s a life-giving, sacred and exciting gift. Women have been having periods and growing breasts since the dawn of time, and we’ll keep on doing it until the end of time. We’ve lived, flourished and nurtured ourselves at varying degrees during different phases of history. Now is the time for a rebirth of our own sacred traditions. It’s time to heal the Sacred Feminine.

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Yo Tiger Mother.

This blind allegiance to all authority that Chinese Mothers teach their children is the reason China has fallen to a communist dictatorship. It’s the reason Chinese Mothers, who still live in China (unlike your lucky self and your lucky daughters), don’t experience the most basic of freedoms; deciding for themselves how many children to have, deciding for themselves what kinds of jobs they would like to have. You know, simple stuff that third-generation Chinese Americans might take for granted, the right to make choices.

Americans don’t teach our children blind obedience to authority for an exceptional and logical reason. We enjoy freedom. The freedom that Chinese American immigrants enjoy, didn’t come cheap. It was born of the American tradition of challenging authority. It was born of the American tradition of questioning our own governments. Scientific advancement that Americans have made, is born out of questioning what the teacher had to say about how the world works. Racism ends because children challenge their parents’ way of thinking.

We are who we are, experiencing all of our delicious freedoms, not in-spite of teaching our children to stand up to authority, but because of it.

You’re welcome.

My response to The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

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My youngest child turned five yesterday! Five! 5! FIVE!

What a milestone for this Mama! (For him too, but come on! This is huge for ME!)

Child development books say that a person is who they are by the time they are five. They have a psyche, they’ve either achieved a sense of safety, love and well-being – or they haven’t.

He has. Hallelujah he has. We’ve done our jobs well. We’ve put in the time, energy and love. I’ve read the bedtime stories and taught the letters, numbers, colors and shapes. We’ve put in the work towards discipline and limits, all that hard parenting stuff. He’s a good, solid, stable, happy, well-developed person.

For me, as a woman and a mother, this day is significant.

It marks the end of a spiritual agreement I entered into with myself, my Mormon heritage, my unknowing children, and my desire for meaningful work when I became a mother.

The agreement was: I will have children and work from home, no matter what the sacrifices may be, giving most of my time, attention and focus to them, until the youngest one is five.

The agreement has been fulfilled. He’s 5! He’s five! He’s FIVE!

I’ve walked the tight-rope, sacrificed a great deal, fought the internal work v. mothering war, raged against the unfairness of my own agreement and it. was. so. hard. The result: two well-adjusted happy children with solid foundations that will last them a lifetime.

I did it! He’s five!!!

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Yesterday I read my horoscope for 2011 and it said, among other wonderful and exciting things, that I would make a serious change in my working environment on Jan 4.

Sure enough, I woke up this morning and decided that I was done working at home with a four-year-old. It’s . . . under-stimulating, isolating, frustrating and just plain not working for me anymore. I’m glad I did it. But, I don’t want to do it anymore.

I’ve been feeling like this for a while now and coming up with some brainy ideas like putting Zack, my 4.5 year old, in childcare for longer and trying out the new co-working thing at Cohere.

This morning I couldn’t think of one single reason not to try it out TODAY!

I’ve got a lot on my plate with the release of TGR Body, several corporate projects to tie up, and a book I’m trying to do final edits on, not to mention keeping The Girl Revolution updated and growing.

“Mom, come wipe my bum,” is non-conducive to feeling unstressed, productive, centered and focused.

All my life I’ve been very attached to the idea of “working from home.” Since the birth of my first child I’ve been walking the fine line between meaningful work and meaningful motherhood very, very carefully.

It’s hormonal, in my opinion. How many times have you heard the words, “I never thought I’d want to quit my job, but then I had a baby and it kills me to leave everything and go back to work?”

Yeah. Then there’s the equally true and just as emotionally-charged, “Being a stay-at-home mom/work-at-home mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I miss my career, I miss people, I miss being validated with a paycheck.”

Yeah. The war rages on – inside of us.

Never under-estimate the power of estrogen.

I think his hormones were tied to mine in an inherent psychic, spiritual and emotional way that was stronger than any of my other desires or ambitions. As it was with my daughter. As it is with children and mothers in general, some more than others. But, as he turned four, I could feel his pull on my hormones lessen. Give a little here and there. My need, my desire to be with him most of the time got weaker. His “pull” on my mind, body and soul weakened, became more flexible.

As our hormonal connection got weaker and weaker, I got more ideas . . . maybe my friend Jenny is right, that co-working is perfect for me. Maybe Zack should be in a school setting. Maybe I can take on this project or that one. Maybe I need to – no, want to –  spend more time working and less time mothering. Maybe I really, honestly, truly don’t care what other people think about whether I work, or don’t work, or where I do it from, or where my children spend their time. This is MY life. Our life. We should do what we want. What feels best for us.

The more I thought about these ideas the more I fell in love with them.

So, today, I just did it. And it feels . . . liberating, exciting, calming, relaxing and right.

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