Abort mission!

Abort mission!

Before it’s too late!

Quick! Stop laughing at your toddler girls’ sassy comments.

Stop being amused when she half-rudely, but oh-so-cutely, spouts off.

You’re not raising an empowered woman. It was all a ruse.

You’re digging your own “differentiation” grave.

You think you’re preparing her to be a strong, empowered woman who isn’t afraid to speak up. Which is awesome, when she still believes in your goodness, kindness and love unquestioningly. When this is directed at things you hate too.

It’s a trick!

What you’re really doing is making your own life hell, by giving her permission to “speak her mind” which translates to “dump her crappy attitude all over you.” Rumor has it this could go on for most of adolescence and into early adulthood.

YOU!

Yes, YOU!

In psychology they call it “differentiation.” When the daughter lashes out irrationally, unreasonably and often cruelly at her . . . MOTHER! They say it’s healthy for her to enforce boundaries “I am Me,” and “You are You!” and I motherloving HATE you! Or at least I hold you responsible for all of my crappy, difficult-to-handle feelings. And my hobby is to speak to you as if you’ve caused every problem ever invented and I want you to fix it immediately.

No, dad won’t be the brunt of this.

No, the sexist misogynists won’t bear the burden.

No, the media and marketing that sexualizes her won’t get the lashing.

MOM shoulders differentiation alone. With no way out, no response soothing enough.

It’s not constant, like something you can predict. It’s random. You’ll be doing every-day stuff like say, cutting an orange for her school snack.

Sudden explosion!

I hate oranges!

What? You’ve been eating oranges for 11 years, and you’ve always liked them.

I hate oranges and I’ve always hated oranges! YOU DON’T KNOW ME! 

And then you understand, how your mother turned into a raving, psychotic, screaming, insane woman. It was you. And you weren’t even a bad daughter. Just a daughter who suddenly felt she had the right to “speak her mind” and turned it directly on your mother. Is this payback? you wonder. My own bad-daughter karma?

What fresh hell is this? How can I turn it around? You ask yourself. You ask the more experienced mothers, how do I make this stop? 

Then they give you that knowing look, one of pity and resignation. The same look, now that you think about it, as the one they gave you when you described Marriage Shock, Baby Shock and Divorce Shock. It’s yet another secret of femininity, closely guarded and protected.

I never would have spoken to my parents the way my daughter speaks to me, some might tell you.

What’s different? you’ll ask.

Well, I would have been terrified. They would have been the tar out of me, they’ll say.

Maybe I should have beat her. Why didn’t I beat her? Why was I so stupid as to not believe in spanking? you’ll wonder aloud.

Always projected as good mother/bad mother. That happens in their house, I have a great relationship with my daughter, you imagine the other mother’s thinking. You know they are thinking it, because you thought it too. Back when sassy and opinionated was cute. Especially, the ones with little three and four year olds, the ones who are trying so hard to do it “right” and who believe they aren’t making the same mistakes you did, so their daughters will never turn on them.

Last year I was the perfect mother! It’s not fair! I did all the right things! you cry to yourself. Attempting to convince who? you wonder. Not your daughter, that’s for sure.

Abort Mission Empower Your Daughters!

Quick!

You’re the target! You just don’t know it yet!

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The Divine Feminine needing a nap.

Recently, I tried to gather up a group of women who work in some way with the Divine Feminine. We were going to stage a workshop event. Everyone thought it was a fabulous idea. But, it wouldn’t get off the ground. We met once, but didn’t make a definitive plan. I should note that I showed up to this meeting having broken my shoulder the previous day. We scheduled another meeting but, people didn’t feel like it because Colorado was on fire. So we cancelled. Then we scheduled again and though everyone said they were super-into-it, only two people came to the meeting. One of the primary organizers left another late meeting and crashed, calling to apologize the next morning. When she had to rush off the phone to take another call.

A friend of mine attempted to create a similar group gathering. This time around a prosperity consciousness book club. Several people were all about it. They gave her email addresses. Then they cancelled at the last minute or just never showed up. I was the solitary member.

I have writerly friends and we’ve tossed around the idea of a writers group. But the idea keeps being tossed.

No one can commit. Because women are commitment phobic, a result of being over-committed.

I have friends. I think. I mean, I haven’t heard from them in a while. I don’t think it’s because of anything I’ve done. My friends are women. And women are doing everything, which means they never get to do anything. Which kind of sucks. I remember having friends and it was fun. You know, calling someone up and saying, “Wanna go have a cup of coffee?” or “Hey what are you doing this weekend? Nothing? Wanna come over?”

As it is, even if someone agrees to do something, whether it’s lunch or a monthly group or a meeting of some sort, it’s not surprising when they flake out, reschedule or simply blow it off at the last minute.

I was taking this prosperity class at my church and our assignment was to envision the life we want. One of my classmates put our commitment conundrum succinctly, “I think this is what I want, but if this means another appointment, then I’m out.” In other words, I’m so over-committed that I can’t even entertain the idea of getting my dream life. Where would it fit?

As I sat with the two women who showed up to our meeting of the Divine Feminine, it was a sad and lonely sight.

“This is 2012,” I said. “Aren’t women supposed to be taking over the world this year?”

“Ooph,” my exhausted friend Stephanie sighed. “Can’t we reschedule that?”

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I came across an article, “An Unmarried Woman,” in a borrowed Elle Magazine by Rebecca Traister.

Evidently, women have turned their noses up at marriage. At least according to the conservative right. The column is all about how women are “choosing not to get married.” You know, because we suddenly hate men. They’ve become superfluous. (The article quotes a bunch of right wing politicians and pundits calling the unmarried mother a bunch of really mean names.) Seems they think women don’t want to be married to a nice, sexy, stand up man. Which is strange, because just about every woman I know would adore being married to a sweet, funny, hot guy — all the better if he’s the father of their children.

Except these same women are also willing leave if he’s emotionally abusive or disconnected, if he’s a addict, if he beats her, if he steps out on her, if he gambles away all the money, if he’s commitment phobic, if he lets his personal hygiene slip below that of an orangutan or if he’s crazy selfish. To be fair, these women will put up with a hell of a lot of these behaviors before they finally do leave the father of their children.

Sure, there are women who visit the sperm bank and buy some $29.99 sperm. But, that’s after they’ve dated a lot of “not so Mr. Rights” and they’ve run out of trial and error time. Or they are lesbian and would love to be married; but these same pro-marriage conservatives won’t let them.

Here are the stats: the median age for a woman’s first marriage is 26.5, compared to the previous norm of it being 20 to 22; A recent Pew report says that “barely half of Americans 18 and older are married;” and over half of all births to women under 30 are to unmarried women; one-third of all teenage girls become pregnant before 19-years-old; the divorce rate hovers just below 50 percent.

Well conservatives are just up in arms about this problem women are committing on society, so sayeth this Elle column.

This rise in Immaculate Conception is astounding, don’t you think?

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             MY HERO

              BY: AINSLEY

One of the people I admire is my mom. 

First, one reason she is my hero is she is brave. She is brave because she likes to do dare-devil things. One thing she did that was scary was she and I went on a 1,200 feet drop Canyon Swing! We strapped in and the swing went almost all the way upside down! Another she is brave is she is a single mom, a writer, and a dog owner. I think she is brave because there is a lot of things to worry about because she has to take care of Zack and I, she has to turn all her stories in before her deadline, and she has to take care of a 9 week old puppy. One more reason she is brave is she is not afraid of what others think of her. She will dance in public if I wasn’t around and she will not care of what people say about her. 

Next, another reason I admire her is because she is talented. She is talented because she can take care of 2 kids and a puppy. Another reason she is talented is she is a fabulous mom. She is always nice and is very strict though. I can’t believe she can manage to take care of us! Another reason she is talented is she is very smart. She can answer anything in a split second. 

Finally, she is very loving. She is loving because she stills loves my dad even though they are divorced. She still talks to him and is nice to him. Another reason she is loving is she loves my uncle even though he is mad at her. She still tries to talk to him even though he doesn’t want to talk to her. One more reason she is loving is she loves all of her family. She never says mean things to them and would never try to hurt their feelings. 

 All in all, I love and admire my mom.

 

It would appear that I have not ruined my children’s lives after all by throwing in the towel on my 12-year marriage. My kids are showering me with cards, love letters, paintings and supportive words of affection. It is sad, the transition of a family into something new and different. But, we’re all doing the best we can. All evidence suggests that I’m doing a bang up job of it.

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I still, after 10.5 years of mothering, can’t figure out which kind of mother I want to brand myself. I’m referring to arguments for, or against, attachment parenting, natural parenting, or Tiger Mothering. But, since everyone appears determined to follow someone’s parenting philosophy, I’m going to brand one myself, in honor of Mother’s Day 2012.

I’m going to call my brand The Girl Revolution Exceptional Mothering,or simply Exceptional Mothering, for short, TGREM. To label yourself an Exceptional Mother, or TGREM, here are the 10 strict rules to which you must adhere, debate, convert and evangelize:

• Love Your Kids.
• Teach What You Know.
• Make Intuitive Parenting Decisions.
• Banish Guilt.
• Be an Authentic Woman/Person.
• Have Fun.
• Leave the Other Mothers Alone,(especially the ones who make different choices).
• Grow Good Humans.
• Apologize When Necessary.
• Do Better Every Day.

If you follow these 10 simple rules of TGREM you are guaranteed happy children, a peaceful mothering experience, and a loving bond with secure humans who will succeed in adulthood. When you follow the Exceptional Mothering parenting philosophy, you will make people who will grow up to have fulfilling careers and promising love lives. Or promising careers and fulfilling love lives, whatever. And when they are teenagers they’ll always speak respectfully. And they will listen to your advice about sex and using a condom or waiting until marriage. And they’ll never do drugs or smoke cigarrettes. Or be mean girls or bullies. Or feel unloved. And they will never, ever turn on you and scream “I HATE YOU!” when you tell them they can’t go somewhere or when you make them clean the bathroom. And they won’t have eating disorders: neither starving, barfing, or binging. Or marry people who are mean to them. Or date boys who don’t call them back. And they’ll never get divorced.

OK. You got me. I can’t guarantee any of that. But, then neither can any other parenting method. At least The Girl Revolution Exceptional Mothering philosophy’s strict rules cut a mother a break.

By leaving a comment, Liking or Sharing this post on Facebook, or retweeting it, you too are committing to being an Exceptional Mother and you agree to follow the 10 simple rules of TGREM. Happy Mother’s Day all you Exceptional Mothers! Don’t forget to convert your friends!

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